Looking back, looking forward

Well. 2007 has been quite a year. Lots of ups and downs. Looking back...my first post of the year said my blog word was "Rodney." Just checked again today and it's now "hospital." That about sums up the year, I'd say.

January: The Hew got engaged. We lost my beloved Auntie after a long illness.
February: Went on vacation with mckays_girl. Mr. Fantastic got a job. I did a sleep study.
March: Mr. F gave me the plague and I got a new job. There was a St. Patrick's Day party. I had a botany-related nightmare.
April: I declared my intent to have gastric bypass surgery. I had said surgery and Mr. F is a champ. I talk about my health. David Hewlett turned 39.
May: My friend Erin had her baby.
June: I celebrated birthday 29v5. Mr. F turned 36.
July: We started the Family Olympics. I saw Harry Potter OotP. I read Harry Potter DH. I went to ComicCon with mckays_girl. My brother had a brain tumor.
August: My brother's brain tumor was cancerous. My grandmother died. Mr. F & I had our 8 year anniversary. It was the ten year anniversary of my mom's death. My dad turned 62. They decided not to do radiation on my brother, chemo only.
September: My brother started chemo, and also started having a weird skin reaction to one of his medications. He went back to the ICU. Mr. F & I went to Vegas.
October: Mr. F won a t.v. Hewlett 2.0 arrived. Had my 6-month follow-up to surgery, my brother went back to work. I got the plague again, SGA was picked up for season 5. Mr F. loves me despite my geekery.
November: I got a new phone. My brother JT turned 43 and still needs your Coke Rewards points. The chemo is working. After a long break, I started back to the gym again.
December: I got nearly everything on my wishlist and you guys rock. Steve turned 42.

This was quite a year for me. So many wonderful and awful things happened. I have certainly been living in interesting times. I'm so very grateful for all of you. For squeeing with me through all the good stuff and for all your amazing support through the difficult things. For making sure I never felt helpless or alone. I cannot thank all of you enough for being the amazing friends that you are. There's nothing like interesting times to make you appreciate how wonderful life is, even when it's awful.

Here's wishing 2008 is more of the wonderful, for me and for all of you. Happy New Year! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Popping in

Hi! I know I've been MIA and I have like a million comments to answer and I'll get to them, I swear. All is well, just busy.I just wanted to pop in and tell you two things.

ennuis petits: Yesterday, when asked for the URL of the page she wanted to make changes to, one of my web clients responded, "I don't know what a "URL" is. But if you go to www.website.com, and click on X, then pick X from the pulldown menu, what comes up is the page I want." *headdesk* I can't decide if this is better or worse than the woman who wanted me to change her links from purple back to blue.

However, in happy news...les petit joies: Took my brother to the oncologist yesterday, where they reviewed the PET scan he had last week. We got the excellent news that in just 3 months of chemo, the spot in his lung has shrunk from 1.8 mm to 1 mm. This is especially excellent because they think there may be a chance they won't have to do surgery to remove the remainder if they can get it to disappear with chemo alone. Yay!

PANTS!

Old Navy, where have you been all my life? Oh yes, for the last 8 years I've been too fat for you. Ahaha, not anymore! I finally had to give it up and buy a new pair of jeans so I thought I'd go check out the Old Navy because I heard they go up to size 18 (which is the current size of my ass.) So I went and saw that not only did they have my size, but they also have short lengths!

At 5 feet-almost-one-inch, it's really hard for me to find pants that are both wide and short enough. So I found an awesome pair of jeans that I adore, that fit, that feel good, that make me feel good and the best part was I got 'em for under $25. YEE HAW. It was very difficult to limit myself to just one pair, but it won't be too long before I've got to move down another size so I restrained myself. For the record, I've now lost 77 lbs (or 5.5 stone, if that's how you roll) in just over 7 months. I wish it was faster (I know, I know, stfu) but I try to keep the whining to a minimum since my doctor and everyone at the wls community tells me the slower it goes, the better it is for you long-term. I have 53 more pounds to lose, and I want it gone now, dammit! However, I have consoled myself with looking at my before and after pics. I seem to have a waist now. Where did that come from?

plague

Urgh. Still plaguey. mckays_girl mother-henned me into going to the doctor today, which I did, and am now armed with $40 cough medicine and instructions to get plenty of fluids and rest. Hopefully the heavy-duty cough medicine will help with the resting part and I will soon stop sounding like Suzanne Pleshette.

Mr. Fantastic brought me soup for dinner and let me watch Pushing Daisies before he watched the Tottenham match. What a sweetie.

State of the... you know

Had my 6-month follow-up for my bariatriac surgery today. Hard to believe it's already been six months since I had the surgery. So far I've lost about 70 pounds, which is over halfway to my goal of losing 135. Peter (who is actually the assistant surgeon) is very pleased with my progress. I was worried that it's too slow but he said yes, it's slow, but that's the best way to do it and stay healthy and give my skin the opportunity to bounce back. Anyhoo, he said they're only looking for me to be 75-80% of the way by a year, so I've got six months to lose about another 31-38 lbs. Seems quite doable.

He looked at my scars and said they're really looking good although probably will stay a little purple for another three months. He also said that right now my hormones are all crazy and I'm really fertile so birth control is very important the next six months. (In fact, Peter said to tell hubby to "double bag it" which cracked me up to no end.) Anyway, I've been on the patch and he gave me leave to go back on the Pill, which will make me happy since I find the patch itchy. Guess I need to make an appt with my gyno in the near future too, to see what the PCOS is doing and if it's resolved itself.

So, things for me healthwise are really great. I feel fantastic, and while my hair is falling out like crazy, I think I'm looking pretty good. And now that my brother seems to be getting out of the woods, I'll have some more time to start going back to the gym. Speaking of my brother...

Some of you have asked for news about him. I realize I haven't posted about him in a while, but rest assured - no news is good news. He is doing great. He started his second round of chemo on Monday, so he'll take the pills every night this week through Friday, and then be done until next month. He's handled the chemo pretty well, just had some nausea and fatigue but nothing debilitating.

He's still having the skin issues, but it's vastly improved from before. Mostly just looks like sunburn or dandruff now. Not like it was. The doctor reminded him that there's seven layers to your skin and ALL of it is coming off so it's going to take a while as each layer works its way to the surface.

He's been going back in to the office for about a half day for a few days a week the past couple of weeks. Hasn't been doing too much work per se, but is doing bits here and there and just getting used to being up and about again. Some buddies of his flew in from California this weekend to play poker and watch football, which I think he really enoyed, although it pretty much wiped him out.

All in all, he's progressing really well and I'm very encouraged by how great he's doing.

Brother update

Quick update...got to bring my brother home from the hospital yesterday. YAY! He is vastly improved. Looking and feeling light years better. His hands are still the worst and they were keeping them slathered in goo and wrapped in plastic wrap while in the hospital. He was doing that at home last night and today until I brought him some of those cotton "moisturizing" gloves. Much easier for him to do stuff for himself now. My dad is still staying with him this weekend, though.

Mr. Fantastic and I are leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow for a much deserved break. I'll be back late Tuesday.

Brother update

Things have been looking up over the last couple of days. My brother seems to be improving and they are now reasonably certain it's not the scary SJS I mentioned in my last post. That's a big sigh of relief. He's still in hospital, but they may let him out tomorrow or the next day. The skin thing is still happening. Literally all over him, including inside his nose and ears and such. It has been apparently a very interesting case, as he's had all kinds of people in to look at him. His case has been presented at at least two recent conferences and groups of med students keep coming by to have him presented as well.

I forgot to mention The Doogies. When my brother was first checked in to the ICU, he was assigned to three FOB residents. I swear to god, none of these boys can even grow facial hair yet. They're BABIES! They're all three fresh-faced darlings with fauxhawks and funky glasses and squeaky voices. As precious and young and sweet as they are, I still don't know which one is which, since they travel in a pack. So I've taken to calling them collectively The Doogies. As in, "Have The Doogies been by today?" The nurses all assure me that these are the guys you want working on you, since they're fresh out of school they've got all the latest knowledge and technology and such. I suppose that's true, but still...Doogie Howser to the last man.

As noted by pru, it's time again for the Nekkid French Rugby Team! I think we'll call this today's les petit joies (only not so petit...).

And for today's enuuis petits, how about the woman I work with who asked me a question last week to which the short answer was No, and the long answer was No, but you could appeal to Vice President X for permission but I can't do anything until I get his approval in writing. Both of which I told her and her team multiple times via e-mail and phone last week. She still felt it necessary to schedule a ONE HOUR conference call today to "discuss the issue." So I dutifully called in and she asked me the same question again, to which I gave the long answer and then said that no, seriously, there really ISN'T anything else you or I can do. Total time of the call? 8 minutes, including time spent waiting for everyone to dial in. I suppose the upshot is that I got 52 minutes of my life back. Still. *stabbity*

Brother update

Not a good day. My brother's back in the ICU. I've just returned from there. The crazy skin thing he's been having has gotten worse and finally today I insisted on taking him to the ER. I'm glad I did, because they say he's seriously dehydrated and has an as-yet unidentified infection. Basically, his skin is sloughing off even worse than it was. He's lost so much skin that it's leaving raw spots, splitting, bleeding and oozing. It's really horrible. He says he's not in any pain, but he's freezing. The ICU docs say that's because he's very much like a burn victim right now, and the loss of so many layers of skin make you feel like that. He's laying in bed shivering violently, even under heated blankets. He's also severely dehydrated. Even though he's been drinking water and gatorade like a fiend, losing the top layers of skin causes the moisture in your body to evaporate much faster. I think they said the dehydration can cause the crazy whole-body shivers he's been having, too. Both his arms are swollen now, but they don't seem to be too worried about that. I wonder if maybe it's part of the dehydration. I think it's weird that he's basically been living on Gatorade and Ensure for the last six weeks and yet hasn't lost a single pound. I think any weight he's "lost" has been retained as fluid. I imagine once the edema goes away, he'll find his weight drops.

He's in the ICU because the skin loss means he has little protection against everyday germs and bacteria. Plus, he just finished his first cycle of chemo on Friday, which supresses the immune system. And, with this unnamed infection his white cell count was up over 30,000 (normal is roughly 5k-10k), so they're giving him Vancomycin, their heavy-hitter antibiotic. His heart rate is also up really high, around 128, but he doesn't have a fever. They still don't know if the skin thing caused the infection, but it's most likely. He's got some spots that are pretty nasty. They're fairly certain the Dilantin (anti-seizure med) he was on before is what caused the skin thing.

The biggest thing they're worried about right now is that the skin thing doesn't become something called Stevens-Johnson Syndrome (SJS), which is a potentially life-threatening skin condition that is caused by reactions to certain drugs. I'm just so scared. I've been so worried about him because it's been like 6 weeks since the surgery and after the first week or two, he just hasn't been getting any better. Now we know why, but I wish I had insisted on taking him to the doctor or the ER sooner.

It's also scary because it's very reminiscent of when my mom got sick. She had surgery to remove the tumors but just never really recovered. She never even got well enough to start any chemo or radiation. And now I'm petrified that my brother is going down that same road.

You all have been so helpful and supportive that once again I'm going to ask...Please, please, if you can spare a minute, do whatever it is you can do to help him through this. Please ask anyone who knows me to help. Pray, cross your fingers, send good thoughts, stomp grapes, throw salt, rub a rabbit's foot, anything. We need all the good karma we can get. Thanks. ♥

me me me

Have been very neglectful of my health these last couple of months. I think with everything going on with my brother, I've just let it slip. And man, I didn't realize how much my diet affects how I feel. Especially these last two weeks, I've been feeling significantly run down and unable to focus. I started upping my protein intake yesterday, by adding back the protein shakes I was drinking right after I first had surgery. At 3 months post-op, I quit drinking them because I was allowed to have real food, and I foolishly thought I'd get my recommended minimum 40 grams of protein each day from what I was eating. But I don't really eat that much - even though I eat at 9, 12, 3, 6 and 9, I'm still only eating from 1-3 oz of food. Things like a handful of nuts or a couple slices of deli meat and cheese, etc. I quit logging my food pretty early on (because it's a giant PITA and I assumed I was doing fine) and that was a big mistake.

Plus, I realized yesterday that I was two weeks overdue for my B12 shot, so I hustled off to the doctor to get it, and seriously, within hours I felt completely revitalized. My energy was back and I was able to concentrate on things. I had them call in a prescription for B12 and syringes so I can do it myself each month instead of having to make an appointment (and pay the $20 copay each time!) Dunno what the Rx will cost, but it's worth it. Just making those two changes yesterday have already made me feel a hundred times better. *facepalm*
Note to self: you're no good to anybody if you don't take care of yourself first.

So, ever since the surgery, I've been fiendishly trying to find something to replace my beloved diet Coke. I drink enough water to float a battleship, but sometimes I want something with actual flavor. I think I found my new beverage of choice: V8 Splash Smoothie in Tropical Colada. Yum. It's got soy protein! And tastes good too, without too much sugar. Drinking it feels like vacation!

Speaking of vacation, have I mentioned I'm going to Vegas next weekend? YAY! Mr. F and I are going with some of his family - a few of his mom's English siblings are coming for a visit and we're all going together. Really looking forward to some R&R, pool time and poker.

les petit joies: I am wearing a pair of lounge pants today that I bought, oh, four years ago and have literally never worn because they were too tight and defeated the whole point of being comfy lounge pants. Now, they're too big. The drawstring in the waist is actually functional. *\o/*

Further Note to self: I am NOT starting a companion to les petit joies called ennuis petits (petty annoyances) wherin I bitch about minor things that unreasonably bug the shit out of me, such as the woman I deal with daily via e-mail who signs EVERY SINGLE ONE of her e-mails "Thanks! Have a sunshine day!" Obviously, it's part of her auto-signature, but I think that stupid thing actually removes sunshine from my day.

Old magazines?

So, I've got a BUNCH of back issues of Martha Stewart Living. Like, oh, five or six years worth. Don't ask me why I kept them, but here they are, a practically complete collection. I want to get rid of them but I hate to throw them away.

Any suggestions about what I should do with them? Would my library want them or something?
I have decided to start something new in my journal: "les petit joies" - the little joys. I want to celebrate and remember the small things that make me happy, that make me feel good, that make me smile. Whether it's to do with weight-loss or work or my brother or Mr. Fantastic or whatever, I want to remind myself that life is about the little things. And that I need to take happiness where I can. When I'm feeling down, I want to be able to take these out and find my smile again.

So, les petit joies for today: I've lost enough weight that my wedding ring fits again. \o/ And, today is day 2 of chemo for my brother and so far, he's doing really great - much, much better than we expected. Yay!

Various and sundry

Went to a happy hour on Friday with the girls from the office. Was nice to see them all since I haven't been around the office much lately. Had a drink, had some food - neither out of the ordinary for me. But a couple hours after, I got really sick. In gastric bypass patients such as myself, this is called dumping, and it SUCKS. I have been incredibly lucky thus far, because it's only happened to me one other time since the surgery. I'm guessing it's because I ate a piece of bread as part of my dinner and they say simple sugars/carbs can do that to you. Blecch.

Also, my brother starts chemo tomorrow. He's taking a pill called Temodar, which he takes for 5 days each month for 4-6 months. The medication itself is some scary shit, man. The warnings that come with it! Like not to let the capsules break or get any of the powder on your skin or inhale any dust from it. And, how much it costs! At the pharmacy, I paid $80, I think. But the boxes have price tags on them...~$1,100 for 5 of the 140 mg caps and ~$1,600 for 10 of the 100 mg caps. Holy crap, thank god for health insurance. By the way, anyone out there with any medical background/experience, maybe you can help answer a question. Ever since coming off the oxycontin & percoset, my brother's been having this insane skin reaction.

He's freezing cold all the time, and he's all red and itchy and his skin is SUPER dry. Like, peeling and flaking off, all over his body. It's fifty times worse than the worst sunburn you've ever seen. And it's literally everywhere - all over his body but also his scalp, inside his ears, nose, everywhere. It's like he's molting. I cannot explain the severity. It's actually really disgusting. (maybe exfoliative dermatitis as suggested by emrinalexander?) It got better for a day or two, but today it's back again with a vengence. We've tried everything we can think of to alleviate it. Lotion, loofah, itch cream, itch spray, allergy meds, drinking tons of water, etc. The doctors don't seem to be that concerned, saying it's just a reaction to all the medication he's been on, but he's not getting very much sleep because of it. And he's actually been OFF all meds since Thursday. The last thing he was on was Dilantin (anti-seizure) and the neurosurgeon told him to quit taking it because of the skin business when we saw him on Thursday. So if anyone has any suggestions - for cures, comfort or ideas about what the heck this might be, please let me know.

Oh, another thing that's new, as of today - his left arm is swelling up. It's not painful, and it's just the left arm, but it worries me. Anyone got any ideas about that? His temp was normal when I took it today. (ETA: beaniesheppard suggests it may be lymphedema. And I'm wondering about cellulitis. Anybody know how to treat?) I worry about him so much. And he's hardly eating anything (which is very unsual for him). And jeez, I totally have that food = healing thing happening because I totally feel like if he would just eat, he'd feel better.

I did manage to get him to have some scrambled eggs today. And I bought some Gatorade and Ensure for him when I was at the store the other day, so at least he's getting some basic nutrition. I go into this mother hen mode when I see him. I just want to feed him and take care of him and man, do I wish our mom was around. Anyway, at the chemo class on Sat morning, they told us he would lose his appetite and a lot of caregivers have this same reaction where you just want them to eat and we need to try not to force the issue. So I'll have to be careful about that and make sure I'm not pressuring him too much. Actually, they recommend small meals more frequently, so I told him I'd just have him eat when I eat, since I eat every three hours. Hopefully the chemo treatment won't be as awful as I'm afraid and he'll get over this crazy skin thing and start to get better. *crosses fingers*

Brother update

We saw the oncologist yesterday for the results of his PET scan and got the best news we could’ve. The scan shows there is no other cancer besides the 2mm spot in his lung, and the brain shows clear now as well.

The doctors are still discussing a treatment plan, but most likely he won’t be doing radiation, instead he’ll do chemo. In about six months, regardless of how well the lung spot responds to the chemo, they’ll go in and remove whatever is left of it. We have another appointment on the 31st, so we’ll know more then, but he should be starting the chemo shortly after that.

All in all, this is great news and we’re very relieved.

Brother update

We got to take my brother home from the hospital today! Hooray!

They took the sutures out of his head last night and today we got to bring him home. My dad's staying with him tonight, and prolly for the next few days, even a week.

He's got a walker to make sure he doesn't fall, and about five prescriptions, and he went to bed at 5:30, but he's home. Once he got in bed, he said it was the most comfortable bed in the world. LOL! I'm sure it is, after being in a hospital bed for two weeks. It was funny, the nurses called him "cranie" because that's what they call everyone who's had a craniotomy.

Anyway, still have a long way to go, but he's doing wonderfully after the surgery.

State of the Me

Time for another State of the Me.

My brother is doing really well. They moved him out of the ICU today and into a regular room. They took the bandages off his head also, and his incision is a three-sided square that starts at his right temple, goes up and across, over his ear, and then back down on the back side of his ear. Big nasty stitches but it actually looks pretty good. In fact, he looks remarkably good, considering he had brain surgery a week ago.

They've started physical therapy, getting him up and walking and working with his hands - for some reason, both his hands are really swollen and hard to use. That's more a product of all the IVs and fluids they've been pumping into him than anything to do with brain function. They said he could go home as soon as they feel he's mobile and independent enough, which could be as early as Friday.

We saw the oncologist today, who was very optimistic and made both me and my dad feel really hopeful that we're not going to lose my brother to this. As they told us before, they'll do radiation and probably chemo. But first they have to do a PET scan, which will help them see if there are any other "hot spots" of cancer cells anywhere else. They're pretty certain this was all caused by an untreated lesion on his forearm but can't say for sure. My brother took the news well - they told him the lab results yesterday. I feel like such a coward for not telling him myself when he asked, even though that's what the docs and social worker told me to do.

So, we're not out of the woods yet, but I am feeling much, much better about the situation than I was a week ago. Tomorrow is my grandmother's funeral, and I will be glad to be done with that. My other brother visited the hospital on Monday and I'm glad he's finally done that. I remember when my mom was sick, he hardly ever visited. I think he's just really uncomfortable in hospitals. I know it meant a lot to our brother for him to visit.

My brother's best friend flew in from Long Beach. He got in Sunday morning and left Monday night. He's getting married this weekend and my brother was supposed to be the best man. I feel bad that he has to miss it. I'm glad his friend came out because I think it really cheered my brother up.

I went and got a manicure with my cousin H3 on Saturday afternoon, and then we had dinner & drinks with my cousin H1 and her family. It was a nice break and I really appreciated them making me get out of the hospital and not think about it for a while. I was also able to get to my doctor yesterday afternoon and she prescribed me some Xanax for when things start to feel overwhelming. She also gave me an Ambien prescription to help me sleep, but it has to be pre-authorized by my insurance, so I didn't pick it up because it would've cost over $100 without my insurance. I'll try Tylenol PM and see if that helps.

In other news, today is Mr. Fantastic's and my anniversary. Eight years. It kind of snuck up on us, what with everything going on, so we didn't really do anything special to celebrate. Mr. F did get me a card and a bouquet of flowers and we're going to try and do something in the next week or two like get a couples massage or something.

Brother update

Quick update on my brother. They extubated him today. YAY! So glad they got that tube out...he was miserable with it. He was awake for a lot of yesterday and just hated being on the machine.

Of course, despite the fact that I asked them to call me before they did it, I got there only to discover they had already done it. Grr. But my brother didn't seem to mind, and we talked, he's already getting his voice back. He says he's feeling pretty good, considering.

And one of the first things he asked me was if it was cancer...I thought he should hear it from a doctor and not me so I told him we weren't sure and were waiting to hear from the doctors. I guess that's kind of chicken of me, but I don't have any answers for him and at least if the doctor tells him, he'll be able to ask questions. But both the surgeon and the critical care doc are gone until Monday.

I told Mitch the Cute Social Worker that my brother had asked. Mitch spoke with the intern and then came in and told my brother that the surgeon would be in on Monday to tell him the results. After Mitch left, my brother looked at me and said, "Well, that doesn't sound good..." So I'm sure he's got an idea but I hope he doesn't worry about it all weekend. But I know I would.

I am really angry with my father right now. Yesterday he was supposed to be off taking care of arrangements for my Grandmother, but he didn't. He went home and got drunk and was completely useless. So today he's trying to get arrangements done for my Grandmother and who knows if he'll go by the hospital at all. When I spoke with him today, he asked why I was unhappy with him and I told him and he said, "Well, I had to decompress." And I'm like, that's great, I'm so happy that YOU got to decompress. Meanwhile, I can't sleep or eat and I'm thinking about seeing if my doctor will prescribe me some valium just so I can keep my shit together. And he's off "decompressing."

Brother update

Okay. So, today has not been the best day. They were unsuccessful at getting my brother off the ventilator. He was breathing fine when they turned the machine down but his blood pressure was way up and so they couldn't do it. They're going to try again tomorrow.

And then while I was at the hospital, my aunt Merrilee called the ICU to tell me that my grandmother died this morning. So my dad's going to be out of pocket for the next couple of days while he takes care of the arrangements.

I was alone at the hospital when I talked to my aunt and it all was just too much. I called Mr. F and my cousin H and they came down and my dad got there too, so I had some support pretty quick. And Mitch the social worker guy was there too, before anyone else had gotten there. Still. I...just. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I can't breathe. I have never felt less capable in my life. God, I wish my mom was here.

The one good thing about today is that while they were trying to get my brother to breathe on his own, they backed off the sedation and it made him quite alert. He was answering questions by shaking or nodding his head and squeezed my hand when I spoke to him.

Brother update

We got some good news and some bad news today.

The good news is that they wrote the orders to wake my brother up tomorrow. The bad news is that the labs came back on the tumor and it is melanoma.

While normally associated with skin cancer, melanoma can also affect the brain because the brain has epidermis cells in it from when the body first develops in the womb. They're bringing in the oncologist (Dr. Jotte) tomorrow to talk to us and we'll know more then, but the basic plan is to do a localized radiation blast to his head and probably follow that up with chemo.

I was somewhat encouraged today because he was opening his eyes some and responding to my voice and touch. It made me feel like he was definitely still in there. We really won't know if his brain has been affected or how much until he's awake and can communicate. Once they take the ventilator out, he won't be able to talk much or at all for a while but he should be able to nod and mouth words and write. Will update again when I know more.

Brother update

Just got home from the hospital. Need to try and get some work done but thought I'd update first. Not much change, unfortunately. The doctors have decided not to extubate him today. The CT scan went well but they're worried about his cranial pressure and feel the best way to keep it managed and him calm is to keep him asleep and on the vent. They said maybe tomorrow they'll wake him up. Other than that, not much else. They put some other tube in, down to his stomach to suck anything out of there so it won't accidentally get aspirated to his lungs. He really didn't like when they did that and struggled a lot against the restraints. I can't explain how horrible it is to see him pulling against the restraints, knowing he's somewhat conscious of the breathing tube and now this other one and wanting them out. I kept talking to him, rubbing his arm and shoulder and just trying to get him to relax.

I met the clinical social worker, Mitch, who explained that his role is to help us understand what's going on and make the best decisions for my brother as his advocates. He was great, really sweet and had on a beautiful raspberry-colored button-down that made me like him immediately. He, the nurses and the critical care doc also all really impressed on me that I need to take care of myself and take frequent breaks and get out of the ICU for a while. The nurses keep asking me if I've eaten. I guess they can already tell that I'm a hoverer.

Dad's at the hospital now and I may or may not go back later depending on what I get done this afternoon. As always, please keep us in your thoughts. This is the critical stage right now.

For my reference, his surgeon is Dr. Lamond, his critical care doc is Dr. Sutarik, oncologist is Dr. Jotte.

Quick update on my brother

Thank you all so much for your prayers and good thoughts. My brother made it okay through the surgery yesterday. It took about 6 hours and they removed a tumor the size of a golf ball from the right front side. They've kept him sedated and unconscious and in restraints since the surgery so he won't fight the ventilator. He's away having a CT scan right now to see how things are going and if he's doing all right they should extubate him and let him wake up some time today.

We won't get the biopsy results back until tomorrow at the earliest, more likely it will be Thursday. Apparently brain pathology takes longer. The surgeon told us last night that the tumor looked very agressive and his best guess is that it's a form of melanoma, which is normally associated with skin but can affect the brain as well. They won't talk about any next steps until we get the offical results.

I can't get on the wireless at the hospital which means I can't update and I can't work until I get a wireless card. I'll do that as soon as I can but in the meantime, I'll update again when I have a few minutes to run home like now.

Please keep the good thoughts coming. It's so hard to stay positive when I look at him in that hospital bed, tubes and wires running everywhere, so helpless. So completely different from the sweet, capable, larger-than-life guy I'm used to seeing. He's always taken care of me and it scares me more than I thought possible to see him like this. Thank you guys for everything and please continue to keep us in your thoughts.

Bad news about my brother: brain tumor

Hey guys, I'm home. Comicon was amazing and I have tons of video and pics that I promise to upload soon. But right now, I need all the good wishes and thoughts and karma and prayers you can send my way.

I got a phone call while I was at the airport waiting to leave San Diego this afternoon. It was my brother telling me he has a brain tumor and is having it removed tomorrow. Mr. F picked me up from the airport and took me straight to the hospital - we've just now got back. My brother is in good spirits, the surgeon is optimistic, but they won't really know anything until they get the thing out and biopsy it. They said it's in the front-right side, which is apparently the best place to get a brain tumor if you're going to get one.

He found out Thursday but waited to tell me because he didn't want to ruin my vacation. That's so like him, always thinking about other people first. The surgery is tomorrow at 12:30 MST. Please, please, if you can spare a minute, do whatever it is you can do to help him through this. Please ask anyone who knows me to help. Pray, cross your fingers, send good thoughts, stomp grapes, throw salt, rub a rabbit's foot, anything. We need all the good stuff we can get. I'll update when I know more. Thanks, guys. ♥

OW. *stabbity stab*

DAMN YOU, OVARIES! *shakes tiny fist* Ow ow ow.

OW.

Why must you torment me so? I'm talking to YOU, righty.

NOT ON.

*curls into whimpering ball*

State of the me

Another state of the me... Got back a little while ago from Day 8 birthday drinks with Debra and cousin H1. Yes, it's true, I am officially off the wagon again. Am taking it very easy with the alcohol and having lots of water along with, but it's just nice to be able to go out for drinks with friends again. Was lovely, but H couldn't stay as long as I'd've liked. Great to catch up and chat with them both, though. And H gave me a birthday card and a Starbucks gift card! I can't wait to go get one of those strawberry drinks for my next treat.

Speaking of birthdays, Mr. Fantastic and I had our combined family birthday BBQ at my brother's on Day 6 of My Birthday this weekend. Got tons of great stuff, including a beautiful necklace from one of my SIL's, some gift cards for department stores (great for buying new clothes when I need them!) and a Flying Spaghetti Monster emblem for my car. Also, I ate some ice cream and it was yummy and didn't make me sick as I've been told any kind of sugar would do, due to my surgery. It was nice to know I can have a little indulgence now and then.

Speaking of health, had a doctor's appointment on Monday to draw some labs in preparation for my 3 month follow-up with my surgeon next week. (Can you believe it's been three months since my surgery?! I can't!) Blood pressure went from 146/92 before surgery to 120/70. Quite an improvement. I can't wait to see the results of my blood work - cholesterol and such. Should be interesting. Have now lost a total of 45 pounds. Yippee!

However, I am officially an Old Person. Because of the surgery, there's like a million pills I have to take every day, both morning and night. I kept forgetting which ones I took and when and so I finally broke down and got one of these: a pill organizer. Sigh. Also got a B-12 shot while I was at the doc's office, so that's one less pill I have to take every day. Plus, I really, really HATE the way that B-12 pill tastes, and I can't just swallow it, I have to let it sit under my tongue until it's gone. Blecch. But the shot is good for a month, so Yay, no more nasty B-12.

Last time I was at the grocery store, I bought Alba shave cream. This stuff ROCKS. It's more like a lotion than your tpical shaving cream, and it's a billion times better than any foam-type shaving cream I have ever used. It makes shaving so easy and so much less of a chore that I have been inspired to shave my legs more than once a month. Plus, super-soft skin when I'm done and no nicks. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Various and sundry

You want to know just how fantastic Mr. Fantastic is? Unprompted, he DVR’d the Spelling Bee for me. That’s love, man. Or at least, that’s knowing exactly how big a geek I am. And still loving me anyway.

Speaking of Mr. F loving me…do you know how much better sex is after you’ve lost 40 pounds? LOTS. The difference is all on my end – things feel different physically and I feel different mentally and in general the whole thing is way more fun. However, showing up at your 9 a.m. meeting sporting beard burn and bite marks may be slightly unprofessional. If I’d also been drunk it would’ve been just like college.

Speaking of sex…due to my surgery, I’m not allowed to get pregnant until next year. And my surgeon does not recommend that I take the Pill because in some people it doesn’t absorb as well as it should. So at my annual exam yesterday, I got a new form of birth control: the patch. I’m Paris Hilton! Except for the jail thing. So, anybody have any feedback about the patch? The doctor gave me a sample to try for a month to see if it’s what I want to use, but I’d love to hear from you all.

Also, apparently, it’s Blog Like It’s the End of the World Day. Um. So, eek, zombies are eating my cube neighbor and I fear I’m next. At least I got laid this morning.

6 week follow up: 33 pounds!

Had my 6 week follow up today and got weighed. Total lost so far is 33 pounds. I was worried it wasn't enough but they tell me it's right on target for where I am. Not that 33 isn't great! They say that's a typical reaction in bariatric patients and it's why they tell you to stay away from the scale.

After the doc, the went to my local Curves and joined up, as they were doing a 3 months free deal and I figured now's the time to do it. I have to go have my orientation (maybe Friday) and then I'm ready to go. Yay! I'm actually looking forward to really working out and doing some resistance training. I feel so weak - not as a result of the surgery or anything, just in general, I feel like I'm not very strong. So maybe I'll be able to open pickle jars for myself in the near future.

State of the weight

It's hard for me to tell where I've lost weight since I'm mostly still wearing stretchy waistband pants and/or not getting out of my jammies for much of the day.

I did try on some jeans the other day and had to tighten the belt by two notches, which totally rocked. Am still dutifully hiding my scale so I dunno how much I've lost. I think it's hard to tell anywhere else, but I can definitely see in the pics that I've taken that I've lost a lot around my middle. So yay for that, definitely! *\o/*

27 pounds!

Had my one month follow-up today and I've lost 27 pounds already!

me me me

I was just in the shower listening to music (Shut up. Yes, apparently this working-from-home thing means I'm in my pj's until 3 p.m. So what. It's comfortable.) Anyway, I had it on shuffle and the last two songs were Seasons of Love, from Rent, and F*** Me on the Dance Floor by Princess Superstar. Oh, iPod, how I love you and your wacky choices.

So, who watched Grey's Anatomy last week? I finally did, and BWAHAHAHAHA! Col. Caldwell gets a candiru! Hee. In other t.v. news, yes, I'm watching Dancing with the Stars, and no, I am not ashamed to say, YES, I have a giant crush on Joey Fatone. He incorporated a light saber into the tango. I have no defense against that.

As far as how I'm feeling, I feel great. For the most part, better than before the surgery, even. I think I've lost at least 25 pounds now, and can really tell when I walk the flight of stairs from the parking garage to the lobby to get the mail. WAY easier already. The incisions are all healing up great, you can hardly even tell some of them are there anymore, and the neck business is barely noticeable now. Still a bit of pain on the left side but it's totally not bad. I have a follow-up with Dr. Snyder tomorrow, so I'll get weighed. Also, I'm hoping to get the all clear for nookie again. Keep your fingers crossed.

Also, note to self: Do not chew gum. Tiny Tummy does NOT like it. Blecch. Barfing up mint-flavored foam is not as pleasant as it sounds.

Getting back to work; getting better

Spoke to my boss today and we've decided to start me on half-days from home this week. It's still hard to sit for long periods, but he totally doesn't care when or really how much I work, as long as I keep up with the e-mail. So, getting back to the real world for me!

Put up a few more pictures of my neck and surgical sites. The neck is a million times better. I was finally able to shower and I loofahed the heck out of it and got all the dead skin off. Way less itchy and looks better. Belly looks better too, although I'm having some trouble with the incision where the drain came out. It feels like it's not closing up and hurts. Mr. Fantastic cleaned it up and put a butterfly bandage on it, and I'm going to pop in to the Doc's office tomorrow and ask him to look at it. It feels a lot better with the bandage, so maybe it needs to be glued shut like the others.

Trying to stay hydrated is a pain - literally - I can't gulp water like I used to, and when I forget and take too big a mouthful, Tiny Tummy protests ouchily. That's taking some getting used to. The good news is I'm not craving any foods or wishing I could eat. So far the cottage cheese, protein pudding and yougurt are doing me just fine, even if it is only an ounce at a time. Takes me half hour to eat it anyway!

Bored bored bored but feeling good.

Le sigh. I am bored. I'm tired of books, magazines, t.v., music, and walking.

In other news, I am feeling pretty good, and seem to be healing up quite nicely. The mark on my neck appears to be getting better, although now giant chunks of flesh are flaking off disgustingly. I want to loofah it or something but it still hurts too much. I'll put up a new picture when I can get Mr. F to take one.

Speaking of Mr. Fantastic...wow, has he impressed me through this whole thing. I mean aside from in general being supportive and hanging with me at the hospital every night and fetching and carrying for me without complaint, he's just been so...I don't even know how to explain it. He's been helping me with all the gross stuff, like changing my dressings and stuff and he's so gentle and caring. He makes me lay down so he can take everything off and clean up and he's so careful pulling the tape off and makes sure there's no leftover adhesive. Watching him so focused, gently dabbing at me with a cotton ball...well, I've just never really had occasion to see him like this before. It's amazing. I'm so self-sufficient, always the one taking care of things, including myself, and it makes me realize I ought to give him more opportunity to do things for me.

What else...oh, I'm now allowed to eat certain solid foods! 1 oz every two hours of cottage cheese, refried beans, pudding or yougurt. I still have to keep up with my protein drinks and water, but this is supposed to help Tiny Tummy slowly adjust to digesting things. It's like starting me on baby food. The good news is, I love all those foods and am very happy to have my 1 oz, although, it took me an hour to eat an ounce of cottage cheese yesterday. Anyway, hooray solids!

I'm back! And doing well.

Hey! I'm back! And mostly doing great, with the exception of a very sore belly. But they gave me some Oxycontin which has helped thus far, although I'm seriously considering not taking any more of it and seeing how much I could sell it for. :)

Surgery went well, but I had a very minor complication which required me to stay an extra night. Was on a morphine pump the first day and a half, then they switched me to liquid Vicodin.

While in hospital, I was surprinsingly uninterested in anything not involving myself and had no desire to even read a magazine, let alone ask Mr. Fantastic to bring Skippy in so I could get online. I had really expected to be bored out of my skull, but it turned out I was much more interested in sleeping than anything else. Plus I had nine thousand visitors, which, while I appreciated very much, completely wiped me out. So, sorry I didn't check in sooner to let you all know how I was doing.

Got home yesterday (instead of Friday as expected) and slept mostly. Today my dad and brother came over to visit and this is the first chance I've had to check e-mail. I've missed you all so much! ♥♥♥♥♥ Many, many graces and thanks to all of you who've posted your support and sent good karma my way. ♥♥♥♥♥ Keep it up, I've still got a lot of healing to do! In the mean time, here's an update on the state of me.

My new belly: Basically, they cut apart my stomach laparoscopically, separated a small pouch from the rest and rerouted some plumbing. The pouch is my new stomach, and for the next few weeks, holds only 1 oz. For comparison, most people's stomachs are about the size of a football and hold anywhere from 40-60 oz. Provided I treat it right, mine will stretch somewhat over time, ending up about 6-10 oz in about a year. For the next three weeks, I'm still on a clear liquid diet and must be vigilant about getting enough water and protein. Luckily, the protein drinks I've got (Isopure) are actually pretty good. It's $2-3 a bottle for 20 oz at my local GNC, but the cool thing is that since I'm basically drinking about an ounce of it every twenty minutes, one bottle lasts me all day. In a few weeks, I'll get to add solids in, like cottage cheese and refried beans and stuff.

The minor complication: was really very minor. Due to the fact that I bruise incredibly easily, there was some extra swelling around important bits of my innards that made it really hard for things to leave the bottom end of my new tiny tummy, which in turn made it really hard for me to put things in the top end of the new tiny tummy. Once the swelling went down enough it was smooth sailing and I was able to stay hydrated and "fed" and off the IV.

Surgical stuff: I've got six incisions, some longer than others - one's over an inch, which I didn't expect! Two of them are drain sites, the rest for the surgical tools. The drains I had are what's called a Penrose drain on the left, which is basically just an open-ended tube sticking out into the world, with the end covered by gauze. The other, which I still have, is a JP drain that is totally gross and includes a tube leading to a collection bulb that I get the pleasure of emptying and measuring and recording the output twice a day. Ick. Plus it hurts. Luckily, that gets taken out on Wednesday.

Pictures: Ugh, I had Mr. Fantastic take some full-length pics of me the night before surgery in a black tank top and boyshorts. He handed me the camera so I could look at them and I was mortifed by what I saw, exclaiming, "OMG, my ass!" He leaned over to look at them and I snatched the camera away and he laughed, saying, "Pooky, I think I already know what your ass looks like." Har har. Anyway, seeing those pictures, I was really, really horrified and gladder than ever I had made the decision for surgery. And I decided I wasn't going to put them up on the internets for all to see, because, seriously, they're gross. But you know what? I did this surgery mostly for my health, not my looks. You all know I'm a pretty self-confident girl, so I decided that if I put up those awful pictures of myself and some other overweight girl with no self-confidence sees them, maybe it'll help her in some way to see that it's not just about how you look, that people can and do look past your weight and see the cool chick inside. Maybe it'll help somebody in some way to see what another fat girl looks like in her skivvies. Because, seriously, how often does one fat girl get to see what another fat girl looks like underneath her clothes? Not often.

Plus, there'll be bonus pics of the surgery sites and the nasty brutalization of the right side of my neck where they put a PICC line in my jugular. Hooray! ;)

I have dutifully hidden my scale as instructed, so I have no idea what I weigh right now, but I'll find out at my follow-up on Wednesday and let you all know. I do know I lost 4 pounds from the 23rd to the 3rd, so the clear liquid diet I was on prolly had a big hand in that. I am thrilled to be home and especially to sleep in my own bed again. I sure did miss the bulk of Mr. Fantastic sleeping next to me.

Will post more soon. Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. I can't tell you how much it's meant to me. ♥

Tomorrow's the big day!

And I am getting slightly anxious. But not much. Yet. 

Ugh. Not helping is that I had to start a clear liquid diet yesterday morning. Jell-o, broth, popsicles, apple juice...basically, if you can see through it, you can have it. I'm hungry. I'll "eat" and then half an hour later, I'll be hungry again. And I'm peeing like crazy. It's fun! Not. It will all be worth it in the end, though.

I took the day off work today to do some laundry and pack a bag for the hospital stay. Also working on getting Skippy (the new laptop) up and running. We haven't got our wireless router hooked up yet, but I noticed there's about three different unsecured wireless networks that I'm picking up from my dining room table. So, if I were to glom on to one of those, what would that mean? I'm using up their bandwidth? Please explain why I shouldn't do that so I can tell myself not to. I know I shouldn't but I don't know why.

For your viewing pleasure, a hilarious video: The iRack

Surgery!

So. A week from tomorrow, I'm having gastric bypass surgery.

I feel weird about making this grand announcement type of thing here. Attention whore that I am, there are still some things I get skeeved by talking about. Sex is not one of those things, but my weight is.

I wasn't going to say anything about the surgery at all, actually. But I figure there's prolly people out there who, like me, are seriously overweight and considering this surgery as an option. Or maybe there are people who are just interested and would like to know more about it. Or maybe there're some people who want to talk about weight issues. Whatevs. I'm cool with that.

I'm going to make this a public record of my progress and just the general process – for myself mostly, but also in case the first-hand information might be useful for someone else. Feel free to ask questions if you have them. Weight is a sensitive issue for many people, including myself, but I will try to be as open and honest as I can, as long as you are friendly. That said…

One caveat: If you have opinions along the lines of either A) Don't have the surgery or B) Stop being a lazy slob and lose weight the old-fashioned way or C) Any variation thereof; keep 'em to yourself. That kind of thing is neither useful nor constructive. I don't want to hear it, and neither does anybody else who has had weight issues their entire life and tried literally everything to lose it. This is a last-resort for me, and a decision I did not make lightly. I've got the full support of my family and close friends and a year's worth of research behind me.

And in the end, this is my playground and I get to make the rules. Rule number one? Play Nice.

So, if you're interested and you're down with playing nice, read on for more.

Vital stats: I'm 5'1" and as of Friday, weigh 265. That's considered "morbidly obese" on the BMI scale. At my height, anywhere from 98 to 132 pounds is considered normal. The goal my surgeon set for me is 135, which is what I weighed in high school. I was never thin; I've always been curvy or voluptuous, I've always been packin' the T&A and that's never going to change. I have no unrealistic expectations of looking like Mary Kate Olsen or Nicole Richie, who are both roughly my height. (blecch, not that I'd want to! Also, not that either of those girls actually comes anywhere close to weighing 98 pounds soaking wet.)

All I really want is to make sure I'm healthy and can have children soon. Not hating movie theater seats and being able to cross my legs are just bonuses.

Health: Now, I'm not anywhere near death, as the title "morbidly obese" would seem to imply – actually I'm in very good health considering my weight. I don't have most of the problems typically associated with someone so significantly overweight, such as sleep apnea, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and joint pain.

I do get upper backaches from hauling around these enormous tits. And I've got PCOS, the cause of which is often weight-related, but, in a nifty little Catch-22, it also makes it difficult to lose weight. It also causes infertility. With weight loss, the PCOS should resolve itself and Mr. Fantastic and I will be able to have kids before I stop being a late-spring chicken.

And of course, you all know I've been pretty depressed over the last while, although that's vastly improved since Mr. Fantastic started his job. (Personally, I don't think the depression is weight-related. I'm pretty self-confident and I don't go around bemoaning being fat all the time. I'm active, social, have lots of friends and in general haven't found that my weight has limited me. But I digress.)

The combination of my weight and PCOS puts me at extra huge risk for diabetes and high blood pressure & cholesterol, but amazingly, I am not currently having nor have I ever had those problems. But the older I get, the longer I go being overweight like this poses an ever-increasing threat to my overall health.

The upside of all this (if you could really say there's an upside) is that according to my doctor and my insurance company (which just happens to be the company I work for), my health is at risk enough that they will pay for the surgery. So instead of being out ~$20k, I have to pay my coinsurance and my health insurance pays for the rest.

Surgery: The surgery is Tuesday, April 3 at 9:30 a.m. Mr. Fantastic and I have to be there at 6:30 (oy vey!) for all the prep and junk they hafta do ahead of time, like IVs and such. The surgery lasts 1 ½ - 2 hours and is done laparoscopically with six ¼ to ½ inch incisions. Afterwards, I'll be in recovery for another hour or so before they take me to my room.

They'll keep me in the hospital a few days to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition and that everything's okay, and I'll likely be released on Friday the 6th. After that, I've been instructed to stay away from the office for two to three weeks, but I am allowed to work from home for short periods as long as I get up and walk around at least once an hour.

In Conclusion: I thought about the surgery, researched it, talked to people who had it, talked to Mr. Fantastic about it, talked to my dad and brother about it, talked to my friends and other loved ones about it, talked to my PCP about it, attended a seminar about it.

Then I had a consult with the surgeon and he sent me for a bunch of tests, including the sleep study I mentioned, a psychological evaluation, a pulmonary study, a bunch of blood work with my PCP, chest x-ray, EKG, and more blood work, a nutrition class and more consultations with the surgeon.

I've got all sorts literature and instructions provided by the nurse (who does the nutrition) and the surgeon and am really, really excited and looking forward to this life-changing procedure.

Of course, all this means I'll be bored out of my mind while in the hospital and at home during my enforced captivity recovery period. So, anyone who wants to write me or something to keep me entertained during that time will have my utmost graces and thanks, be adored and petted from afar, and surely will earn many positive karmic points.