Update on Dad

Haven't talked much about my dad lately...it's been mostly babies and Steve, so I thought I'd throw a little love Dad's way. (Or, as Fletch calls him, Paw-Paw.)

 Waaay back in October '08, Dad got diagnosed with "moderately aggressive" prostate cancer. At the time he had no health insurance and so his doctor decided on a treatment course of something called Lupron, which is in short a hormone shot that turns off the production of testosterone thereby giving the cancer nothing to feed on so it can't grow. The idea was to basically hold the cancer at bay until Dad turned 65 in August '10 and started Medicare.

 A major drawback to the Lupron is that it causes menopause-like symptoms, the worst for Dad being weight gain. It's made him hungry all the time and he's gained probably 50 pounds which is really bothering him. However, the Lupron has done its job and the cancer has not progressed, so Dad had his last shot a few months ago. He recently started what I consider to be the "real" treatment - radiation and implants. In February, he got the radioactive seeds implanted, and this week he went in for the first of 25 radiation sessions. He goes five times a week at noon for the next five weeks.

We’ll find out in a couple months how it goes. He's been told side effects should be minimal, including the possibility of a sunburn-like effect on his abdomen. It’s only been a few days, but so far, so good. He’s feeling fine and I think, like me, relieved to be doing something more proactive. I know he’s happy to be done with the Lupron, although they did say it would take a while – at least 6 months or more, for it to clear his system. Hopefully once it does, he can start losing some of the weight he’s gained and will be feeling generally better.

In addition to quitting drinking in June ’08, Dad also quit smoking probably a year ago and I am so proud of him for doing both those things. I have always worried about his health and cutting out these two things is the best thing he has done for himself. And aside from the major health benefits, I feel like I have my dad back.

When he was drinking, you just never knew which Dad you were going to get. Some days would be good and I’d love spending time with him and other days I wanted nothing to do with him. Now that I have my son, and a daughter on the way, I am so thankful to have all my days with Dad be the good ones. I am so happy they will get to know their grandfather and hopefully have a lifetime of wonderful memories of him like I do with my own gramps.

Steve: One year.

Well. Today is a hard day.

It’s one year since Steve passed away. One whole year…and it seems like yesterday. It seems like yesterday when he called me from his car in the parking garage, afraid he’d just had a stroke because he couldn't move his right arm or speak.

I was terrified then that it was the beginning of the end and devastated to find out I was right. It all happened so fast afterwards that it took a long time to process. And although I've made a lot of progress over this past year, in some ways, I still don’t think I've really processed or accepted everything.

I still can’t bring myself to delete his email address from my contacts or take his number off my speed dial. I haven’t closed the estate; we haven’t finished going through all his things and deciding what to do with it all. I remember this from when my mom died…to take something of his and give it a new home, to remove it from its rightful place in his home is an acknowledgement that he won’t be coming back.

I’m stuck in this place where I know he’s gone but it’s difficult for me to take the next steps. I know it’s part of the process and takes time.

And it’s not as if my whole life has been on hold – how could it be with a growing boy in my life? My son was 7 months old then…not even walking yet. Now he’s a running, climbing, babbling 19 month old dynamo that keeps his dad and me hopping. He is our light and has brought us so much happiness, especially on the hard days.

And we had Christmas and birthdays and bought a new house and the world kept on and so did we. Just with a big hole that will take a long while to fill.

I miss his voice and his laugh and his presence. I miss having entire conversations in movie quotes. I miss making him dinner and how much he appreciated a home-cooked meal. I miss playing Clue or trivia or poker or just sitting around not doing much of anything.

I am so very sad that Monkey will never know his Uncle Steve. I am so glad that Steve got to know him for the short time he did. I think all the time about what a wonderful uncle he would have been.

I am also sad for me and the person I lost. He wasn’t just a brother to me. He was a best friend and someone I looked to for guidance and grounding. He was a beacon for me, a rock. And above all, for my entire life, I knew that he would always look out for me and be there to take care of me when I needed him.

It’s a hard day today, but I’m thankful to have had Steve as a brother and to have been so close to him. I’m glad I was able to be there for him when he needed me.

I miss you with all my heart, T.B. Cott. I wish you were here.

Happy Birthday, Steve

I miss you big brother. It's just not the same without you, T.B. Cott.

Thank you.

I know I still owe a lot of people thank yous for everything everyone did after Steve passed away. Writing the necessary thank you notes and emails has been incredibly difficult for me.

The physical acknowledgment of all the help and support we received makes it all the more real. Almost as if, if I keep putting it off then I can pretend a little bit like it didn't happen. I know it's not good for me to push it away like that and it's actually been weighing on me - I've lost sleep over these thank you notes even though I know nobody is checking their watch waiting for them.

Even so, I want everyone to know how much my family has appreciated everyone's support over these past few months. So many people have done so much - cards, emails, calls, flowers, visits, food and just providing general support and shoulders to cry on. I can't begin to tell you all how much it means to me.

Thank you all so very, very much for everything.

It's getting harder

Things have been really hard lately. I am missing Steve more and more as it starts to sink in. Driving through his parking garage the other day, I just burst into tears out of nowhere. Just being there brought me back to that day in August when he called me for help when he suddenly couldn't use his arm or speak and then everything that came after.

I keep thinking about the unfairness of it. I had these same thoughts when my mom died 12 years ago. Why do we have to lose good people? Why do I have to lose the most important people in my life? After a long time, I was finally able to learn and grow from my mom's death. I have often said that losing her changed me in many ways, mostly for the better. Of course, I couldn't see it then, and as such, I have difficulty seeing it now. I can only hope that losing Steve too will make me a better person.

I am also feeling a lot of stress in dealing with the estate. I knew it would be difficult but there have been some things happening that I didn't expect that make it that much harder. I have had a couple of sleepless nights with everything going through my head.

As always, my son is my bright spot. He's recently learned to stand by pulling himself up. It's so amazing to see him growing and getting stronger and learning new things every day. He makes me so happy but I'm also so sad that his Uncle Steve isn't here to see it.

Final update on Steve

As many of you already know, Steve passed away Monday morning, September 21.

There are no words to express the magnitude of this loss. The world is lesser for having lost him; we are better for having known him.

I can't begin to thank all of you for all the support you've given me and my family for the last two years, and especially the last few weeks. You have our deepest gratitude.

I am putting together a memory book of Steve, so if you have any stories or favorite memories of Steve that you'd like to share, please send them to me to be included.

Steve status

Mr. F, Monkey, Grampa and I are watching the Bronco game with Steve. We had his hospital bed all set up in the living room right in front of the giant screen t.v. so he can keep up with all his football when he's not dozing. Mr. F is so sweet - he went and got Steve's Champ Bailey jersey and laid it over his chest since he can't put it on for the game.

Steve's had some ups and downs the last few days. Having some pain in his head, especially near the right temple where we know a tumor to be located. I can only presume that means it must be growing. In the last day or two, his breathing has gotten kind of rattly. That's probably partly due to missing half a lung and partly due to the way things progress. He didn't rest much the first few days but he slept a lot last night and some today. We are doing our best to keep him comfortable but it's hard to know just how he's doing when he can't tell us. Sometimes it seems like he's drifting away from us, and other times he's so alert and awake and aware of what's going on and the conversation around him.

It's been funny how expressive he can be without words! Especially how sarcastic and funny he can be without saying a thing. I love it when he makes a joke and I get it just from his body language. Everybody always said we had our own little language and I guess they're right. We still understand each other even without talking.

We've had a parade of people in to visit Steve since we brought him home. Work colleagues, college friends, high school buddies, family. All of them hold Steve in such high regard - everybody loves him. A trait he has in common with our mom. And it's been really great for me to see guys I've heard a million stories about but haven't seen since I was a little kid, and to put faces with the names of other people I know to be part of Steve's life. Steve's been thrilled to see so many dear friends and just lights up when I tell him who's coming to visit next. I know he sure wishes he could chat with them like he wants to.

Talking with everyone and especially receiving the all the emails from all over has been amazing. I always knew that Steve was a wonderful, generous, kind person, but I'm his sister - I'm prejudiced. Hearing the glowing way others speak of him and the great stories they tell has made me so proud to be his sister and so pleased to have him a part of my life. We gave our son Steven for a middle name and I can only hope my little Monkey grows up to be just like his Uncle Steve.

Thank you.

I'm going to be pretty busy for the foreseeable future, and I don't know if or when I'll be able to get back to everyone individually, so I just want to say thank you to everyone who's called, posted and emailed. Your words of love, encouragement and support mean so much more to me than I can convey.

We are all doing our best hanging in there and making Steve as happy and comfortable as we can. Knowing my family and I are in the thoughts and prayers of so many is helpful in so many ways. Thank you all so, so much.

Latest on Steve

We received sad news on Steve yesterday. We spoke with his doctor regarding his MRI from the 11th. The new scan shows further disease progression and more tumors in the brain, including regrowth in the area where he had the tumors removed on the 3rd. This is why he hasn't seemed to be getting any better since the surgery.

His medical team has done their absolute best for him but there is nothing more they can do. He is not experiencing any pain, but he will not regain the use of his right arm, nor will his normal speech return. His oncologist said it would be optimistic to expect that he has two months left. From looking at the MRIs and seeing just how many tumors there are, I am not expecting it will be that long.

We are bringing Steve home from the hospital tomorrow under hospice care. He wants to stay at his place as long as possible, and my dad, brother JT, Mr. F and I will share taking care of him. There will also be a nurse that comes in 2-3 times a week, and we are talking about hiring another nurse to help out. At this point, Steve's whole right side is weak and he has difficulty walking so he will mostly be in bed.

I am in turns numb and near hysterical with grief. Losing my mom was hard but this will be even more difficult. I have known him longer and better than I knew my mom. Not only is he my brother but he is one of my - and Mr. F's - best friends in the world. I cannot even begin to imagine what life will be like without him.

Not much to update on Steve

Have been in to see Steve every day since surgery. He doesn't want me to spend too much time at the hospital and protests at me if I do, but I feel like I should at least go see him every day, if only for a few minutes. Mr. F and Peanut always take me so they can see him too.

No real change - still can't move the arm much and still has the expressive aphasia (that's what the trouble finding words is called). I think he's getting a little discouraged since there hasn't been much improvement in that area.

He says he's not having any pain and is just really tired. He says he's not up for visitors or calls because it's so hard to talk and wears him out even more. I've told friends/family that if anyone wants, they can send email or cards to me and I'll bring them to him. I think that would do a lot to cheer him up.

I hung up some pictures in his hospital room - me and the baby and Mr. F - not just for Steve to look at but so the staff knows that he's a person with people who love him. And I put up a photo of me and Steve and Mr. F together at last year's Fantasy Football draft so they can see what he looks like in healthier times. Not that his nurses and CNAs haven't been great, but I like to remind them that he's not just another one in a long line of sick people. With him unable to talk much, and mostly just sleeping and lying in bed, I'm afraid they won't really get to know him as a person. Hopefully our daily visits and the photos will help.

I'm hoping to hear from the surgeon soon. Tomorrow is a week since surgery, so the plan is to assess him in the next few days and move him to the inpatient acute rehab center they have at the hospital. He's told me he doesn't feel ready to be at home on his own yet, so this will be a good step for him.

Please continue to keep him in your thoughts.

Steve's ok

Steve's doing fine. Was still a bit sleepy when we got to see him last night around 6 and had some blurry vision. Not sure yet about his arm and speech but we think both seem a little better. Fingers crossed! He has a bit of a headache but is in good spirits.

The surgeon got the mass out - it turned out to be two tumors right next to each other. It came out cleanly and he said he was happy with how it went. Apparently, with melanoma, it doesn't invade the brain tissue so much as take up space, so when they take the tumors out they almost just fall right out because they're not attached to anything inside.

One bit of bad news, though - yesterday morning's MRI was much more detailed than the previous MRIs he's had, and it shows what looks to be 12 small tumors instead of the previously thought 5. They're not sure if those are new or just showing up better on the more detailed MRI. The plan is still to get as many as they can with the gamma knife on the 14th and go from there.

Sure hope this aggressive treatment will be able to keep on top of what's happening in the brain. I wish we knew whether those were new tumors so we'd know if things are moving really fast or what.

Latest on Steve

So after everything that happened earlier this month with the two ER visits and the speech problems and losing the use of his right arm, Steve and the rest of us were getting increasingly concerned about Drs. Jotte & Lamond's wait-and-see approach to treatment.

The idea that Steve has a tumor in his brain that has burst and was/is bleeding, therby putting pressure on certain parts of his brain and making certain parts of his body not work is incredibly scary. What's even more scary is when your medical team basically says, "Eh. It'll get better," and sends you home literally without doing anything. Steve is so frustrated with both the arm and the trouble speaking and we've seen no improvement since they sent him home. It's terrifying, for him especially, to think that it might never get better.

With all of us feeling more and more uncomfortable with doing nothing, Steve decided to get a second opinion from the Cutaneous Oncology department at the University of Colorado Anchutz Cancer Center. We got quite a different story from them. Bottom line is that Steve is scheduled for surgery tomorrow to have the tumor removed.

We met last week with Dr. Karl Lewis, an oncologist, and also with Nurse Practicioner Amanda Brill who works for the neurosurgeon Dr. Robert Breeze. We met with Dr. Breeze today. What this team has told us is that the lesion that is bleeding is too big to reabsorb and needs to be removed. The blood/fluid surrounding it may reabsorb but the tumor itself is large enough that it needs to come out or the arm and speech won't improve. They let us look at the MRI and we saw that this tumor and the surrounding blood clot is about the size of a golf ball. And we also found out that there are four to five more small tumors, which was complete news to us. The plan is to get those tumors using the gamma knife (an outpatient procedure) on Sept 14.

This is basically completely the opposite of what the previous doctors were doing but after meeting with the new doctors, we all feel so much more better about Steve's future. It felt a lot like the previous doctors just didn't know what else to do or like there wasn't anything more that they could do. We all have a renewed sense of optimism with this new treatment plan. Basically, they feel like you have to treat melanoma aggressively, and make sure you treat the systemic disease (in the body) in conjunction with treating the brain.

I think the big difference is that Dr. Breeze's and Dr. Lewis's practices have been working as a team for twenty years treating melanoma specifically, whereas Dr. Jotte and Dr. Lamond are just two doctors that I don't know if they ever actually spoke to each other regarding Steve's treatment, let alone formed a plan of attack as a team. I feel personally that Steve's prognosis is much better with this new approach.

Surgery is at noon tomorrow following an MRI at 10:15. It will take 3-4 hours, and then he'll go to recovery so we won't see him until the early evening. He'll spend the first night in the ICU, but then they plan to move him to a regular room early to mid day Fri, and hopefully have him home by Mon. The arm and speech could be better right away - within hours or a week, or it could take a few months - no way to tell ahead of surgery. It's even possible, since they're mucking about in the motor strip of the brain, that the arm and speech could be worse for a while until the swelling goes down. Should that happen, they'll assess him and may send him to an acute inpatient rehab center for a short time until they feel like he can take care of himself.

So, please think of him tomorrow and keep him in your thoughts and prayers, send good karma, rub a rabbit's foot, whatever you can do to help him out. And as always, thank you so much for your support. It means so very much to him and to me.

Brother update

So, as I previously mentioned, I'm long overdue for a 5-month Peanut post, but things have been a little crazy these last two weeks. My brother was back in the hospital for a week - we just brought him home on Monday afternoon and had to bring him back in yesterday.

Steve called me the morning of Tuesday the 4th because he was having what he thought was a stroke. His right arm and hand had stopped working and he couldn't feel them and he was having trouble speaking and finding words. We had a very disjointed conversation because we were both panicked and he was unable to tell me what was wrong. Through a combo of me playing twenty questions and him telling me as much as he could, we determined that he wasn't bleeding and could breathe but couldn't use his hand, didn't want an ambulance but wanted us to come get him and take him to the ER. I have never heard him sound so scared and that in turn scared me. I hung up with him long enough to get Mr. Fantastic and we loaded Peanut up and raced over.

I called Steve back as soon as we were on the road because I was imagining him sitting all alone in his car, not being able to do anything and being scared and so I wanted him to know I was there, that we were coming as fast as we could. Since he still was having trouble talking, I just told him where we were and played more twenty questions. It was weird, he could understand me and knew what he wanted to say but certain words just wouldn't come out. Like I asked him what floor of the parking garage he was on and he couldn't tell me. He could say, "I'm on..." but couldn't get out the word "three" even though he was staring at the big number 3 on the wall.

We got him to the ER and there was more twenty questions as he and I tried to explain what had happened and tell them about his medical history. They took him off pretty quickly for an MRI, and when he got back we had another scare. They wheeled him back into the little curtained area where he'd been and I'd been waiting. As the nurse was fiddling with the various monitors and tubes and things, I was asking Steve how it went and he started having a twitch on his right cheek. Then he started sticking his tongue out and I asked him why he was doing that and suddenly he started having a full-body seizure. It was awful to watch and to just have to call for help and not be able to do anything. It didn't last long and they quickly gave him some anti-seizure meds.

That was the only seizure he had, but his right hand was still not working. He spent a few days in the ICU, then got moved to a regular room where he had visits with physical therapy and occupational therapy. He had several scans and basically the brain doc said it was a metastatic brain lesion that burst and the bleeding into the brain causes swelling and pressure, which in turn causes the stroke-like symptoms. Apparently, given time, if the bleeding can be stopped the brain will reabsorb the fluid and that should relieve the symptoms. They keep assuring us that use of his hand will come back eventually if the swelling and pressure go away.

I was not comfortable with this "wait and see" approach, but we're told it's better to give the brain a chance to heal itself as opposed to going in surgically to drain it with a shunt or something. So they ended up sending him home on Monday with medication for seizure and blood pressure and appointments for more OT and scans. Through it all, Steve was basically feeling fine - no headache or pain of any kind and all the doctors were amazed at how well he presented despite what was going on in his head.

He was home all week and basically doing ok. We did some grocery shopping for him but he has been mostly self-sufficient even with the right hand still not working. He can move it and grip loosely, like to hold a highlighter, but not squeeze tight enough to open a factory-sealed jar. The OT told him to keep using it for everything he could, even if it means taking longer and making more of a mess than with the left.

We thought things were going well since he's been feeling and doing fine, and then yesterday he was on the phone with a friend and started having trouble finding words again. They hung up and he called me. I know how much he hates being in the hospital but I told him I thought we had to go back to the ER, since it was Saturday and I didn't think there was any alternative.

They admitted him to the ICU again and kept him there overnight last night. They did another scan and there's some discussion on whether it's bleeding in a new area or more bleeding from the same area or what. They are moving him back up to a regular room again today and the brain doc will by to see him tomorrow and make some decisions. I'm still uncomfortable with the waiting-and-seeing but I'm trying to keep in mind that it's supposed to be better for him in the long run.

They have him on steroids this time, which is supposed to help the swelling and I think it may be having some effect. He says it feels like his right hand is working a little better - not major improvement but enough to make him hopeful. So, we'll know more tomorrow but they've said he could possibly even go home again as early as tomorrow.

This whole thing has been incredibly scary - I thought more than once, "Is this it? Is this when we lose him?" I try not to have the mindset that we're going to lose him to this cancer but sometimes it's so hard to push that fear back. For all that it was terrifying, he seems to be just fine now (with the exception of his right hand, of course.) I don't know what to make of it. I mean, a bleed in your brain can't be good but nobody seems to be in a big rush to do anything. Is it because it's a lost cause and they just aren't saying it? Or is it really as simple as they say? It's his brain. But sometimes these things can be deceptive.

So, I'm trying to keep my spirits up (and his) and would dearly love your good thoughts, wishes and karma to help him.

So I forgot to tell you that my brother is home from the hospital and doing great. We actually got to bring him home last Friday (the 17th) - can you imagine, having brain surgery on a Monday and going home by Friday? Last time he was in the hospital for almost two weeks and on the ventilator for like five days.

The nurses told him that it was not being on the vent that made such a difference. Apparently, the ventilator really takes a toll on your body and you get really weak. The difference in him between last time and this time is astounding. He felt so good when he got home, in fact, that he decided to start his next round of chemo right away, so he went in on the 21st for that. I couldn't be more thrilled with his progress, and he is in such better spirits this time around as well, which I think can only do good things for his recovery. So keep your fingers crossed that things keep going well!

~~~

Sadly, it has already been two months and my maternity leave is over. I started back to work today, but luckily I have sneakily been checking my inbox during my leave and deleting stuff that I don't need to take care of. So the potentially scary inbox situation was luckily under control. Plus, the cool thing my company does is give you a "transition week" your first week back, where you only work half time but get paid for the full week. Peanut and I have somewhat settled into a routine and I am sad to have to chage it. Hopefully we'll be able to fit work into our busy schedule of eating, sleeping and pooing.

Speaking of eating, sleeping and pooing...I haven't been doing much of any of them lately. This unfortunately landed me in the ER again last night with that same stomach pain/gallbladder thing that I had back in August. Since we are now getting it down to an art form, some pain meds and a couple hours of IV fluids to rehydrate me, and I was good as new. I think what we are learning from this is that I really have got to look after my diet better. And apparently, since I'm breastfeeding, I need to drink sixteen glasses of water a day as opposed to the usually recommended eight. Unfortunately, it hit me at about 1 a.m. and so we didn't get home until almost 5. And Peanut, while he was so good at the hospital, was fussy as soon as we got home and didn't really let us get much in the way of sleep. Very glad I didn't have to do a lot at work today because I was pretty useless until after noon.

That's pretty much it for me...Peanut is two months old now - where did the time go? I'll post more about his second month later, but in the mean time, let me leave you with this picture.

Surgery success!

Thanks to all of you who sent you wishes and good karma our way. Steve's surgery went great. And even better, they took him off the ventilator before he woke up and aren't keeping him sedated for several days like last time. Major improvement over the previous surgery! I know the vent was one of the things Steve was dreading - last time he was conscious for a few days while on the vent and it was absolutely horrible for him. Although it does your breathing for you, it made him feel like he couldn't breathe and so he was constantly fighting it. It was awful to see him like that, so that makes it easier on his loved ones also.

So, he is already awake and alert and feeling good (obvious headache notwithstanding) and in much better spirits. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that the rest of his recovery goes just as smoothly.

Steve - surgery

Steve is having his second brain surgery tomorrow. We're picking him up at 5:30 to go to the hospital for check in and an MRI and then surgery is scheduled for 8 a.m. They expect to be done around 1 p.m. The tumor is basically in the same place as last time, so this should be pretty similar. They'll likely keep him sedated and asleep for several days while he's on the ventilator and hopefully we won't have any of the same complications as before.

Please keep him in your thoughts tomorrow and send us any spare good karma!

Still here...still pregnant

Week 41

Hi! Yep, still pregnant. Had a dr. appt. on Monday, regular visit plus we went ahead and did the membrane sweep. I will not lie, it sucked. Somewhat painful and pretty unpleasant. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to have done anything...usually if it's going to jumpstart labor, it will do so within 48 hours. So I guess me and Peanut are just not quite ready to part ways yet. Doesn't mean I'm not doing my best to evict him anyway!

I have been having lots of low back pain since then, and also what I think are contractions in my belly. But the stuff going on in front is nowhere near as painful as the low back pain, so I don't know what that really means. I was under the impression that if the baby is turned the right way (which Peanut supposedly is) then you don't have back labor, but that could be wishful thinking. The back pain usually goes away after a nice rub from Mr. F and the front pain tends to go away on its own. I'm guessing things are progressing and we are getting under way but I don't think we're too close yet. Who knows!

I'm scheduled for another appointment on Friday, where they'll do an ultrasound to check fluid levels, another NST and something called a biophysical profile, which I guess is part of the ultrasound.

They'll also want to talk about scheduling an induction, which they know I don't want to do but they don't like to let you go past 42 weeks. Today I am 40 weeks 3 days, so technically, I have until March 8 before I am 42 weeks. I'm sure they would like to schedule me the first week of March but I would like to put it off until the second. Steve has chemo the first week of March and I was sort of hoping not to be having the baby when he was feeling crappy. So if I could have the baby before the 3rd it would be great (hint hint, Peanut!), if not, then I'd like to wait until the 8th when Steve will hopefully be feeling better after the chemo.

These last few days practically everyone I know has called or texted me (some of them multiple times) to see if I've had the baby (and possibly forgotten to let them know!) and I feel so bad when I have to tell them I have nothing to report yet. My doctor told me at the very beginning not to tell anyone my actual due date because everyone would start coming out of the woodwork wanting to know if I'd had the baby yet, and she wasn't kidding! It's sweet that everyone is so excited, but I really do feel kind of bad saying, nope, no baby...and no idea when, either.

Also, I have been advised by both my sister-in-law and Mummy Fantastic that we need to be having sex to get Peanut going and I had to tell them both we've tried to no avail. Also thus far unsuccessful: walking, swimming, bouncing, nipple stimulation, pineapple, red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose oil, chinese food, bribery, pleading, threats. I am considering acupuncture at this point! (which I have actually done before - obviously not to induce labor - but I found it very relaxing, so it might not be a bad idea.)

So! Keep your fingers crossed that Peanut will see his way to joining us in the real world in the near future. Will keep you posted as always!

You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster... Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

We found out yesterday that my brother's surgery is being postponed. The doctors have agreed they want to give the chemotherapy more time to work on the lung tumor, so instead of going ahead with the brain surgery, they are going to do at least one more round of the chemo instead. The next round is scheduled for the first week of March - they were originally scheduled to be every three weeks.

Steve is feeling much better physically and is in much better spirits with this news. I, of course, am having mixed feelings. On the one hand, I worry that we're not moving fast enough on the brain, or what exactly this means about the lung tumor. I have to keep reminding myself that they don't want to go in surgically to take care of the lung tumor because it can and usually will leave lots of bad cells roaming around in there. It's actually better and more effective to try and kill it all with the chemo instead.

But I'm also glad because putting off the surgery gives me some time to have this baby. Apart from hoping that Steve will not actually be in the hospital when I deliver, it's crossed both our minds that there's a possibility that he might not come out of the surgery okay or at all. He said to me last night that he's glad they're putting off the surgery so he'll have a chance to at least meet my baby. They've given us no reason right now to expect the worst, and it breaks my heart to even think about it, but I can't help it. I do worry about how much longer we'll have Steve with us. I want him to have as much time as possible with his nephew.

I'm doing my best not to stress and focus instead on Peanut. Of course, being 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, this is its own source of stress. I am so ready to have this baby and he seems to be perfectly content to keep percolating. I'm due in 3 days, but it's average for first-time moms to go over past their due date by 7-10 days. So even though Mr. Fantastic is convinced that I'm having the baby ON Sunday, I am not expecting that to happen.

I had my checkup with Dr. O on Tuesday and there was no change from last time. She asked if I wanted her to sweep my membranes, which I didn't want to do yet, and also about getting an induction scheduled for once I hit 41 weeks, which I REALLY don't want to do. So I told her I'd consider doing the sweep for next appointment and we could talk about the induction then too. I'm actually scheduled for two appointments next week - Monday for my usual checkup and then Friday they'll do an ultrasound, another NST and a biophysical profile. All this is just to make sure things are still going okay in there.

I don't want to be pressured into interventions that I don't want to do, such as an induction or the membrane sweep. I am willing to wait until 42 weeks before we start interfering, whereas the doctors don't like to wait past 41 weeks. But Dr. O just happens to be on vacation again next week, so I am seeing two of her colleagues on Mon and Fri, which I think will make it easier for me to put off scheduling the induction. I may agree to the sweep, though. It only works about half the time and carries a risk of breaking your water (something I want to avoid as long as possible), but Mr. F and I have discussed and he thinks I should consider it. I'm still thinking about it. I am anxious to get the ball rolling, and the sweep, if it works, could help avoid induction, so it's worth considering.

In the mean time, I am doing all the "natural" things I can to help get things started - eating pineapple, drinking red raspberry leaf tea and some other things. None of it may actually work, but if it does, yay! Of course, will keep everyone posted as things progress on both the baby and the brother fronts.

Update on my brother

Well, we finally have a plan for my brother. First, he started chemo on Tuesday. Last time he was on something called Temodar, which was a pill he took for five days every month. This time it's Taxol, which is a more traditional chemotherapy that required him to go to the oncologist and get an IV infusion. He's supposed to do this every three weeks.

Last time the Temodar didn't have many of your traditional side effects. His hair got a little mangy and he felt pretty run down the week he was taking it, but in general he tolerated it pretty well. The Taxol this time is already taking much more of a toll on him. Although he swears his breathing is already better, it's making him feel terrible otherwise. The big thing is muscle and joint pain, very much like growing pains. The medication spurs bone marrow growth and so you get aches and pains from that. He feels run down and is alternating between chills and being too hot and has no appetite.

Second, on top of feeling crummy, he got word today that the gamma knife procedure is out. They have scheduled him for regular open brain surgery the afternoon of 2/20 to remove the tumor that's there. He'll be at PSL, the same hospital as last time, with surgery done by Dr. Lamond, who also did the last one.

The reason they can't do the gamma knife is because this is a melanoma we're dealing with, and it doesn't respond well to the gamma knife, so this is the only way. Steve is really bummed about it. He's had such a hard time in the hospital - it seems like something else always goes wrong when he's in there and he ends up staying longer than they originally told him. He'll probably still be in the hospital by the time he's supposed to do the next round of chemo, so I imagine they'll be postponing that until he's more recovered from the surgery.

We went over to see him this afternoon for just a few minutes - we brought him some prescriptions he needed and some other sundry items that he's just been too wiped out to go to the grocery store and pick up. We didn't stay because Mr. F has such a bad cold and we didn't want to get Steve any sicker with his immune system as compromised as it is right now. Poor guy just seems so down - I'm sure he's feeling pretty awful emotionally as well as all the chemo side effects. When you feel bad physically, that affects you mentally, and then to get the news that he's going to have to have the surgery, in a week no less - well, I'm sure he's about as down as he gets.

I am doing my best to keep upbeat and not worry so much about him. I hate to be going through all this again, especially knowing that I won't be able to care for him like I did last time. I just have to keep my spirits up and know that we will get through it. As always, good thoughts and karma sent our way are always appreciated.

State of the Me

Well. Lots going on, so it's about time for another state of the union.

Peanut
Not a lot to report...Peanut is cooking away and doing his best to bust his way out any way but the one way he's supposed to. Had a dr visit on Tuesday and saw the last OB in the practice I hadn't met yet, Dr. Mahoney. She was great, and now they will all be familiar faces, no matter who shows up for the delivery. The appointment was quick, just a chat and listened to the heart beat. I had assumed she would do another cervical check - I thought they would be doing that every week until the end - but she didn't, which was a pleasant surprise. The fewer of those I have, the better. I really like this practice - they have two midwives on staff and really seem to be in tune with the things I want as far as my prenatal care and also for my labor and delivery. Although most of them are OBs, they seem less inclined toward all the interventions my books and Dr. Internet have scared me into thinking all OBs are determined to do.

So, this is week 38 - I have 17 days until my due date. OMG. It's coming so fast! We are mostly ready, although the one thing we haven't bought is the co-sleeper that we want from our registry. Not to worry - we have a pack n' play as well as several laundry baskets and drawers, so Peanut has someplace to sleep until we do get it. I had my second baby shower last Saturday and we got tons more clothes - this is going to be the best dressed baby ever, as long as we can get all his laundry done! And Mr. Fantastic took me to the baby store this week so we could get some necessities - diapers and wipes and whatnot. We've got pretty much everything assembled and now we're just trying to find the optimal arrangement in our little place for all this stuff.

I feel great, although I am really not getting much sleep. Partly just being uncomfortable, partly my brain racing a million miles an hour, and partly just not being able to stay asleep for very long at once. Am having lots of Braxton-Hicks contractions, which are not exactly painful per se, but which are really uncomfortable because they make my entire belly tighten up. And I think the baby has dropped, or at least he's Searching for the Great Egress lower than he used to be. Next appointment is on Tuesday again, will keep you all posted on the Peanut front.

Dad
Took Dad on the 28th to get sentenced for his DUI from back in April 08. As expected, they gave him the minimum 10 days mandatory in jail, plus fines, community service and probation. The good news is they gave him the option to join the Weekender Program, meaning he's allowed to go in on just the weekends. He got credit for time served, so he actually only has to do 4 consecutive weekends, from about 8 am on Saturday to 5 pm on Sunday, starting March 21. It sounds like it will be fairly easy - he won't even be "locked up" at night (the building itself will be locked, but not his particular room/cell), is allowed to wear what he wants as long as it's plain, and he may be required to do some chores as needed.

The best part is that Dad has asked my oldest brother JT to drive him to and from the facility on all four weekends, meaning I don't have to do it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to help out my family as much as I can, but with a new baby, I was worried about being on point for that. And it was nice of Dad to just take care of it and not even ask me, because you know I wouldn't have said no.

Not a lot of news otherwise - he is supposed to be deciding on a course of treatment for the prostate cancer, either surgery to have it removed or doing radiation treatments along with the seed implants. Both would be preceded by a hormone shot that basically halts production of testosterone, which is what feeds the cancer. Nobody seems to be too worried about handling this too aggressively, so I am attempting not to worry about it and concentrate on other things, like Peanut and Steve.

Steve
Why am I worrying about Steve again? Well. Here's the tough part. The cancer is back. He started having a cough before Christmas, went in for a scan and they've found new tumors both in his brain and his lung, the same spots where they were before. We basically don't know a whole lot at this point - he has an appointment with the brain surgeon next Thursday to formulate a plan.

Mostly all we know is they want to treat the brain first - possibly using the gamma knife - then do some type of chemo for the lung. They are moving quickly, but they also keep saying we have options, so I am having mixed feelings about how hopeful I should be as far as the long-term prognosis, which they haven't said anything about. In the mean time, Steve's got this cough that won't go away and which is driving him crazy. He doesn't have a sore throat or anything, but there's fluid in the lung cavity, which makes it hard for him to breathe, so they've got him on oxygen again, and then the cough is because his body thinks there's something in there (the tumor) that it can get out by coughing. So he's got some cough medicine but it gives him nightmares, so either he doesn't sleep or he hardly sleeps. All in all, he's not feeling too hot these days. Just a short walk to the car wipes him out. He is adamant that I not do too much for him this time. With the baby coming, he doesn't want to depend on me so much. I know Dad will be a big help and Mr. Fantastic has offered to do whatever he can as well, but I can't help feeling in some way like I'm letting him down. I know that's silly, but it's in my nature; I can't help it.

So. More on that as we get news, but as always, we will gladly take any good karma you want to sling our way.