Old magazines?

So, I've got a BUNCH of back issues of Martha Stewart Living. Like, oh, five or six years worth. Don't ask me why I kept them, but here they are, a practically complete collection. I want to get rid of them but I hate to throw them away.

Any suggestions about what I should do with them? Would my library want them or something?
I have decided to start something new in my journal: "les petit joies" - the little joys. I want to celebrate and remember the small things that make me happy, that make me feel good, that make me smile. Whether it's to do with weight-loss or work or my brother or Mr. Fantastic or whatever, I want to remind myself that life is about the little things. And that I need to take happiness where I can. When I'm feeling down, I want to be able to take these out and find my smile again.

So, les petit joies for today: I've lost enough weight that my wedding ring fits again. \o/ And, today is day 2 of chemo for my brother and so far, he's doing really great - much, much better than we expected. Yay!

Various and sundry

Went to a happy hour on Friday with the girls from the office. Was nice to see them all since I haven't been around the office much lately. Had a drink, had some food - neither out of the ordinary for me. But a couple hours after, I got really sick. In gastric bypass patients such as myself, this is called dumping, and it SUCKS. I have been incredibly lucky thus far, because it's only happened to me one other time since the surgery. I'm guessing it's because I ate a piece of bread as part of my dinner and they say simple sugars/carbs can do that to you. Blecch.

Also, my brother starts chemo tomorrow. He's taking a pill called Temodar, which he takes for 5 days each month for 4-6 months. The medication itself is some scary shit, man. The warnings that come with it! Like not to let the capsules break or get any of the powder on your skin or inhale any dust from it. And, how much it costs! At the pharmacy, I paid $80, I think. But the boxes have price tags on them...~$1,100 for 5 of the 140 mg caps and ~$1,600 for 10 of the 100 mg caps. Holy crap, thank god for health insurance. By the way, anyone out there with any medical background/experience, maybe you can help answer a question. Ever since coming off the oxycontin & percoset, my brother's been having this insane skin reaction.

He's freezing cold all the time, and he's all red and itchy and his skin is SUPER dry. Like, peeling and flaking off, all over his body. It's fifty times worse than the worst sunburn you've ever seen. And it's literally everywhere - all over his body but also his scalp, inside his ears, nose, everywhere. It's like he's molting. I cannot explain the severity. It's actually really disgusting. (maybe exfoliative dermatitis as suggested by emrinalexander?) It got better for a day or two, but today it's back again with a vengence. We've tried everything we can think of to alleviate it. Lotion, loofah, itch cream, itch spray, allergy meds, drinking tons of water, etc. The doctors don't seem to be that concerned, saying it's just a reaction to all the medication he's been on, but he's not getting very much sleep because of it. And he's actually been OFF all meds since Thursday. The last thing he was on was Dilantin (anti-seizure) and the neurosurgeon told him to quit taking it because of the skin business when we saw him on Thursday. So if anyone has any suggestions - for cures, comfort or ideas about what the heck this might be, please let me know.

Oh, another thing that's new, as of today - his left arm is swelling up. It's not painful, and it's just the left arm, but it worries me. Anyone got any ideas about that? His temp was normal when I took it today. (ETA: beaniesheppard suggests it may be lymphedema. And I'm wondering about cellulitis. Anybody know how to treat?) I worry about him so much. And he's hardly eating anything (which is very unsual for him). And jeez, I totally have that food = healing thing happening because I totally feel like if he would just eat, he'd feel better.

I did manage to get him to have some scrambled eggs today. And I bought some Gatorade and Ensure for him when I was at the store the other day, so at least he's getting some basic nutrition. I go into this mother hen mode when I see him. I just want to feed him and take care of him and man, do I wish our mom was around. Anyway, at the chemo class on Sat morning, they told us he would lose his appetite and a lot of caregivers have this same reaction where you just want them to eat and we need to try not to force the issue. So I'll have to be careful about that and make sure I'm not pressuring him too much. Actually, they recommend small meals more frequently, so I told him I'd just have him eat when I eat, since I eat every three hours. Hopefully the chemo treatment won't be as awful as I'm afraid and he'll get over this crazy skin thing and start to get better. *crosses fingers*

Brother update

We saw the oncologist yesterday for the results of his PET scan and got the best news we could’ve. The scan shows there is no other cancer besides the 2mm spot in his lung, and the brain shows clear now as well.

The doctors are still discussing a treatment plan, but most likely he won’t be doing radiation, instead he’ll do chemo. In about six months, regardless of how well the lung spot responds to the chemo, they’ll go in and remove whatever is left of it. We have another appointment on the 31st, so we’ll know more then, but he should be starting the chemo shortly after that.

All in all, this is great news and we’re very relieved.

Brother update

We got to take my brother home from the hospital today! Hooray!

They took the sutures out of his head last night and today we got to bring him home. My dad's staying with him tonight, and prolly for the next few days, even a week.

He's got a walker to make sure he doesn't fall, and about five prescriptions, and he went to bed at 5:30, but he's home. Once he got in bed, he said it was the most comfortable bed in the world. LOL! I'm sure it is, after being in a hospital bed for two weeks. It was funny, the nurses called him "cranie" because that's what they call everyone who's had a craniotomy.

Anyway, still have a long way to go, but he's doing wonderfully after the surgery.

State of the Me

Time for another State of the Me.

My brother is doing really well. They moved him out of the ICU today and into a regular room. They took the bandages off his head also, and his incision is a three-sided square that starts at his right temple, goes up and across, over his ear, and then back down on the back side of his ear. Big nasty stitches but it actually looks pretty good. In fact, he looks remarkably good, considering he had brain surgery a week ago.

They've started physical therapy, getting him up and walking and working with his hands - for some reason, both his hands are really swollen and hard to use. That's more a product of all the IVs and fluids they've been pumping into him than anything to do with brain function. They said he could go home as soon as they feel he's mobile and independent enough, which could be as early as Friday.

We saw the oncologist today, who was very optimistic and made both me and my dad feel really hopeful that we're not going to lose my brother to this. As they told us before, they'll do radiation and probably chemo. But first they have to do a PET scan, which will help them see if there are any other "hot spots" of cancer cells anywhere else. They're pretty certain this was all caused by an untreated lesion on his forearm but can't say for sure. My brother took the news well - they told him the lab results yesterday. I feel like such a coward for not telling him myself when he asked, even though that's what the docs and social worker told me to do.

So, we're not out of the woods yet, but I am feeling much, much better about the situation than I was a week ago. Tomorrow is my grandmother's funeral, and I will be glad to be done with that. My other brother visited the hospital on Monday and I'm glad he's finally done that. I remember when my mom was sick, he hardly ever visited. I think he's just really uncomfortable in hospitals. I know it meant a lot to our brother for him to visit.

My brother's best friend flew in from Long Beach. He got in Sunday morning and left Monday night. He's getting married this weekend and my brother was supposed to be the best man. I feel bad that he has to miss it. I'm glad his friend came out because I think it really cheered my brother up.

I went and got a manicure with my cousin H3 on Saturday afternoon, and then we had dinner & drinks with my cousin H1 and her family. It was a nice break and I really appreciated them making me get out of the hospital and not think about it for a while. I was also able to get to my doctor yesterday afternoon and she prescribed me some Xanax for when things start to feel overwhelming. She also gave me an Ambien prescription to help me sleep, but it has to be pre-authorized by my insurance, so I didn't pick it up because it would've cost over $100 without my insurance. I'll try Tylenol PM and see if that helps.

In other news, today is Mr. Fantastic's and my anniversary. Eight years. It kind of snuck up on us, what with everything going on, so we didn't really do anything special to celebrate. Mr. F did get me a card and a bouquet of flowers and we're going to try and do something in the next week or two like get a couples massage or something.

Brother update

Quick update on my brother. They extubated him today. YAY! So glad they got that tube out...he was miserable with it. He was awake for a lot of yesterday and just hated being on the machine.

Of course, despite the fact that I asked them to call me before they did it, I got there only to discover they had already done it. Grr. But my brother didn't seem to mind, and we talked, he's already getting his voice back. He says he's feeling pretty good, considering.

And one of the first things he asked me was if it was cancer...I thought he should hear it from a doctor and not me so I told him we weren't sure and were waiting to hear from the doctors. I guess that's kind of chicken of me, but I don't have any answers for him and at least if the doctor tells him, he'll be able to ask questions. But both the surgeon and the critical care doc are gone until Monday.

I told Mitch the Cute Social Worker that my brother had asked. Mitch spoke with the intern and then came in and told my brother that the surgeon would be in on Monday to tell him the results. After Mitch left, my brother looked at me and said, "Well, that doesn't sound good..." So I'm sure he's got an idea but I hope he doesn't worry about it all weekend. But I know I would.

I am really angry with my father right now. Yesterday he was supposed to be off taking care of arrangements for my Grandmother, but he didn't. He went home and got drunk and was completely useless. So today he's trying to get arrangements done for my Grandmother and who knows if he'll go by the hospital at all. When I spoke with him today, he asked why I was unhappy with him and I told him and he said, "Well, I had to decompress." And I'm like, that's great, I'm so happy that YOU got to decompress. Meanwhile, I can't sleep or eat and I'm thinking about seeing if my doctor will prescribe me some valium just so I can keep my shit together. And he's off "decompressing."

Brother update

Okay. So, today has not been the best day. They were unsuccessful at getting my brother off the ventilator. He was breathing fine when they turned the machine down but his blood pressure was way up and so they couldn't do it. They're going to try again tomorrow.

And then while I was at the hospital, my aunt Merrilee called the ICU to tell me that my grandmother died this morning. So my dad's going to be out of pocket for the next couple of days while he takes care of the arrangements.

I was alone at the hospital when I talked to my aunt and it all was just too much. I called Mr. F and my cousin H and they came down and my dad got there too, so I had some support pretty quick. And Mitch the social worker guy was there too, before anyone else had gotten there. Still. I...just. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I can't breathe. I have never felt less capable in my life. God, I wish my mom was here.

The one good thing about today is that while they were trying to get my brother to breathe on his own, they backed off the sedation and it made him quite alert. He was answering questions by shaking or nodding his head and squeezed my hand when I spoke to him.

Brother update

We got some good news and some bad news today.

The good news is that they wrote the orders to wake my brother up tomorrow. The bad news is that the labs came back on the tumor and it is melanoma.

While normally associated with skin cancer, melanoma can also affect the brain because the brain has epidermis cells in it from when the body first develops in the womb. They're bringing in the oncologist (Dr. Jotte) tomorrow to talk to us and we'll know more then, but the basic plan is to do a localized radiation blast to his head and probably follow that up with chemo.

I was somewhat encouraged today because he was opening his eyes some and responding to my voice and touch. It made me feel like he was definitely still in there. We really won't know if his brain has been affected or how much until he's awake and can communicate. Once they take the ventilator out, he won't be able to talk much or at all for a while but he should be able to nod and mouth words and write. Will update again when I know more.

Brother update

Just got home from the hospital. Need to try and get some work done but thought I'd update first. Not much change, unfortunately. The doctors have decided not to extubate him today. The CT scan went well but they're worried about his cranial pressure and feel the best way to keep it managed and him calm is to keep him asleep and on the vent. They said maybe tomorrow they'll wake him up. Other than that, not much else. They put some other tube in, down to his stomach to suck anything out of there so it won't accidentally get aspirated to his lungs. He really didn't like when they did that and struggled a lot against the restraints. I can't explain how horrible it is to see him pulling against the restraints, knowing he's somewhat conscious of the breathing tube and now this other one and wanting them out. I kept talking to him, rubbing his arm and shoulder and just trying to get him to relax.

I met the clinical social worker, Mitch, who explained that his role is to help us understand what's going on and make the best decisions for my brother as his advocates. He was great, really sweet and had on a beautiful raspberry-colored button-down that made me like him immediately. He, the nurses and the critical care doc also all really impressed on me that I need to take care of myself and take frequent breaks and get out of the ICU for a while. The nurses keep asking me if I've eaten. I guess they can already tell that I'm a hoverer.

Dad's at the hospital now and I may or may not go back later depending on what I get done this afternoon. As always, please keep us in your thoughts. This is the critical stage right now.

For my reference, his surgeon is Dr. Lamond, his critical care doc is Dr. Sutarik, oncologist is Dr. Jotte.

Quick update on my brother

Thank you all so much for your prayers and good thoughts. My brother made it okay through the surgery yesterday. It took about 6 hours and they removed a tumor the size of a golf ball from the right front side. They've kept him sedated and unconscious and in restraints since the surgery so he won't fight the ventilator. He's away having a CT scan right now to see how things are going and if he's doing all right they should extubate him and let him wake up some time today.

We won't get the biopsy results back until tomorrow at the earliest, more likely it will be Thursday. Apparently brain pathology takes longer. The surgeon told us last night that the tumor looked very agressive and his best guess is that it's a form of melanoma, which is normally associated with skin but can affect the brain as well. They won't talk about any next steps until we get the offical results.

I can't get on the wireless at the hospital which means I can't update and I can't work until I get a wireless card. I'll do that as soon as I can but in the meantime, I'll update again when I have a few minutes to run home like now.

Please keep the good thoughts coming. It's so hard to stay positive when I look at him in that hospital bed, tubes and wires running everywhere, so helpless. So completely different from the sweet, capable, larger-than-life guy I'm used to seeing. He's always taken care of me and it scares me more than I thought possible to see him like this. Thank you guys for everything and please continue to keep us in your thoughts.