So I forgot to tell you that my brother is home from the hospital and doing great. We actually got to bring him home last Friday (the 17th) - can you imagine, having brain surgery on a Monday and going home by Friday? Last time he was in the hospital for almost two weeks and on the ventilator for like five days.

The nurses told him that it was not being on the vent that made such a difference. Apparently, the ventilator really takes a toll on your body and you get really weak. The difference in him between last time and this time is astounding. He felt so good when he got home, in fact, that he decided to start his next round of chemo right away, so he went in on the 21st for that. I couldn't be more thrilled with his progress, and he is in such better spirits this time around as well, which I think can only do good things for his recovery. So keep your fingers crossed that things keep going well!

~~~

Sadly, it has already been two months and my maternity leave is over. I started back to work today, but luckily I have sneakily been checking my inbox during my leave and deleting stuff that I don't need to take care of. So the potentially scary inbox situation was luckily under control. Plus, the cool thing my company does is give you a "transition week" your first week back, where you only work half time but get paid for the full week. Peanut and I have somewhat settled into a routine and I am sad to have to chage it. Hopefully we'll be able to fit work into our busy schedule of eating, sleeping and pooing.

Speaking of eating, sleeping and pooing...I haven't been doing much of any of them lately. This unfortunately landed me in the ER again last night with that same stomach pain/gallbladder thing that I had back in August. Since we are now getting it down to an art form, some pain meds and a couple hours of IV fluids to rehydrate me, and I was good as new. I think what we are learning from this is that I really have got to look after my diet better. And apparently, since I'm breastfeeding, I need to drink sixteen glasses of water a day as opposed to the usually recommended eight. Unfortunately, it hit me at about 1 a.m. and so we didn't get home until almost 5. And Peanut, while he was so good at the hospital, was fussy as soon as we got home and didn't really let us get much in the way of sleep. Very glad I didn't have to do a lot at work today because I was pretty useless until after noon.

That's pretty much it for me...Peanut is two months old now - where did the time go? I'll post more about his second month later, but in the mean time, let me leave you with this picture.

Surgery success!

Thanks to all of you who sent you wishes and good karma our way. Steve's surgery went great. And even better, they took him off the ventilator before he woke up and aren't keeping him sedated for several days like last time. Major improvement over the previous surgery! I know the vent was one of the things Steve was dreading - last time he was conscious for a few days while on the vent and it was absolutely horrible for him. Although it does your breathing for you, it made him feel like he couldn't breathe and so he was constantly fighting it. It was awful to see him like that, so that makes it easier on his loved ones also.

So, he is already awake and alert and feeling good (obvious headache notwithstanding) and in much better spirits. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that the rest of his recovery goes just as smoothly.

Steve - surgery

Steve is having his second brain surgery tomorrow. We're picking him up at 5:30 to go to the hospital for check in and an MRI and then surgery is scheduled for 8 a.m. They expect to be done around 1 p.m. The tumor is basically in the same place as last time, so this should be pretty similar. They'll likely keep him sedated and asleep for several days while he's on the ventilator and hopefully we won't have any of the same complications as before.

Please keep him in your thoughts tomorrow and send us any spare good karma!

Maybe the Grumpy Face was better.

So we finally were able to snap a picture of Peanut without his usual Grumpy Face. The result:

Fletcher: One Month

I can't believe it's already been a whole month. I've been somebody's actual mother for a month! What an amazing adventure it's been. I have no idea what we did with all our time before we had a baby but every minute spent with him is an absolute joy. Yes, even the times when he's crying (which, so far, is thankfully not all that often). I've posted some more pictures in the Peanut Gallery so you can continue to see that he is indeed the cutest baby ever.

Our little Peanut is growing so fast - already over 8 lbs, which is great because he lost quite a bit of weight right after he was born and got down to 6 pounds something in the hospital. We are breastfeeding and have been on a schedule of about every three hours, but recently he's been wanting to eat as often as every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. The non-scary books say this is probably a growth spurt.

Breastfeeding is an adventure of its own. It took some doing to get started - as part of the larger birth story that I will someday relate, let me just say that I got very dehydrated in the hospital and that caused my milk to be sluggish which in turn caused the baby to lose a lot of weight and enormous frustration for both of us - but we seem to have gotten the hang of it. My Boppy pillow is fabulous and Mr. Fantastic and I seem to have learned Fletcher's hungry cues. This is useful because if we wait too long, our happy little baby will go from precious snuffling and lip smacking to wailing Defcon 5 BOOB BOOB MUST HAVE BOOB NOW in the blink of an eye.

There is nothing like hearing your baby cry from hunger to make you feel like a giant flaming failure as a parent. A week or two ago, I was driving him home from my mother-in-law's close to feeding time and he made the transition to Defcon 5 on the way. It was the most horrible, awful feeling, driving with Fletch wailing in the back seat, knowing that I'd be home in 15 minutes and would be able to feed him then but that he was hungry NOW and I couldn't do anything about it. He started crying and then I started crying and trying to reach into the back seat to comfort him...ugh, it was awful. And I felt so horrible, like he was going to hold it against me or think I was starving him on purpose. Of course I know that he won't even remember, let alone think the world is a terrible place where his mother abandoned him to STARVE TO DEATH, but it's hard not to feel that way in the face of your baby's pitiful cries.

He cried himself out and fell asleep after less than ten minutes, but it was the longest ten minutes of my life. And when I got him out of the back seat, I discovered that he'd cried so hard his hat fell off and I felt horrible all over again. Thankfully, we are mostly on top of keeping him fed, so we don't have a lot of Defcon 5 moments. I do still pretty much cry every time he cries and we can't fix it despite the fact that I know sometimes babies just cry and it's no reflection on us.

So the breastfeeding is going well, although I have started getting upper back aches from hauling around these enormous boobs. Seriously, I thought that at size 34 H, I was big before. Ha. Those boobs were a walk in the park compared to my boobs now. My boobs now are like giant porn star clown boobs. And yes, they are WAY bigger than Peanut's whole head. I don't know how he isn't scared of them, but instead, they are his most favorite place in the world. When he's eating and it's time to take him off the boob, he does this adorable little nom-nom-nom turtle mouth thing chasing after it and trying to get back on. I would video it for you but the video would also have to include a whole lot of my clown boob, which I am just not willing to share.

Mr. Fantastic is an awesome dad. He loves this kid so much I can't even tell you. Not that I expected any different, but I can't even explain how much it fills my heart to see them together. My heart goes all *meep-clench-eee* whenever Mr. F shows me our baby he's holding and says, "Isn't he the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" I never knew I could love two people so much. My little family. ♥

Aside from being an awesome dad, Mr. F has also been an awesome hubby and unbelievable help to me. Breastfeeding really takes a lot out of you (or me, anyway - I am so tired and constantly eating, trying to keep up my energy and milk supply) so Mr. F basically does everything else. Makes me sandwiches, gets me drinks, helps clean up, does all the laundry, and so many other things, but especially, he is the Diaper King. Changes Peanut halfway through each feeding (which is like 8-10 times a day) and has become such an expert already that I call him Quick Draw. We both keep telling each other that we feel like the other is doing all the work. So far, I think we make a pretty good team.

We had bath time recently, which was a tag-team event and went extremely well - Peanut didn't cry once, despite some obvious dubiousness at the start.

Peanut has achieved several of the milestones the book says he should or may be able to do by now, including gaining some head/neck control, focusing on a face, following an object, making noises other than crying, smiling and bringing his hands together in front of him. Unfortunately, we can't seem to get a picture of him smiling - the camera seems to promote Grumpy Face.

We did, however, get a photo of him with his hands together and discovered that this makes him look uncannily like Mr. Burns.

Mostly though, he's just about the cutest thing you ever saw. ♥♥♥

Mission Accomplished: The Peanut has landed!

Hooray! We finally welcomed Peanut to the world on Saturday, Feb 28 at 12:56 a.m., almost a whole week past the due date. Fletcher Steven Farley weighed 7 lbs 10 oz and is 21 inches long. And, incidentally, is the cutest baby ever. I have photographic evidence.

All of you who suggested my lower back ache was back labor were indeed correct. At some point, Peanut flipped himself face up (otherwise known as "sunny side up"), which puts lots of pressure on your lower back and tailbone and hurts like the dickens. There was some minor drama during delivery, which if I ever have the energy again, I will tell you more about, but all in all, everything turned out well and we are both doing great.

Will check in more as Peanut allows!

Still here...still pregnant

Week 41

Hi! Yep, still pregnant. Had a dr. appt. on Monday, regular visit plus we went ahead and did the membrane sweep. I will not lie, it sucked. Somewhat painful and pretty unpleasant. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to have done anything...usually if it's going to jumpstart labor, it will do so within 48 hours. So I guess me and Peanut are just not quite ready to part ways yet. Doesn't mean I'm not doing my best to evict him anyway!

I have been having lots of low back pain since then, and also what I think are contractions in my belly. But the stuff going on in front is nowhere near as painful as the low back pain, so I don't know what that really means. I was under the impression that if the baby is turned the right way (which Peanut supposedly is) then you don't have back labor, but that could be wishful thinking. The back pain usually goes away after a nice rub from Mr. F and the front pain tends to go away on its own. I'm guessing things are progressing and we are getting under way but I don't think we're too close yet. Who knows!

I'm scheduled for another appointment on Friday, where they'll do an ultrasound to check fluid levels, another NST and something called a biophysical profile, which I guess is part of the ultrasound.

They'll also want to talk about scheduling an induction, which they know I don't want to do but they don't like to let you go past 42 weeks. Today I am 40 weeks 3 days, so technically, I have until March 8 before I am 42 weeks. I'm sure they would like to schedule me the first week of March but I would like to put it off until the second. Steve has chemo the first week of March and I was sort of hoping not to be having the baby when he was feeling crappy. So if I could have the baby before the 3rd it would be great (hint hint, Peanut!), if not, then I'd like to wait until the 8th when Steve will hopefully be feeling better after the chemo.

These last few days practically everyone I know has called or texted me (some of them multiple times) to see if I've had the baby (and possibly forgotten to let them know!) and I feel so bad when I have to tell them I have nothing to report yet. My doctor told me at the very beginning not to tell anyone my actual due date because everyone would start coming out of the woodwork wanting to know if I'd had the baby yet, and she wasn't kidding! It's sweet that everyone is so excited, but I really do feel kind of bad saying, nope, no baby...and no idea when, either.

Also, I have been advised by both my sister-in-law and Mummy Fantastic that we need to be having sex to get Peanut going and I had to tell them both we've tried to no avail. Also thus far unsuccessful: walking, swimming, bouncing, nipple stimulation, pineapple, red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose oil, chinese food, bribery, pleading, threats. I am considering acupuncture at this point! (which I have actually done before - obviously not to induce labor - but I found it very relaxing, so it might not be a bad idea.)

So! Keep your fingers crossed that Peanut will see his way to joining us in the real world in the near future. Will keep you posted as always!

Dear Peanut:
Okay! Today is d-day. Or b-day, whatever. So really, ANY TIME now would be great. Especially if it means this back ache will go away. Plus, Mr. Fantastic says I can't be having you tomorrow because Tottenham v. Hull City is on. You know we wouldn't want Daddy to miss that. And you know, it would be totally awesome if you didn't make us wait until next week or anything. I'm just saying.

Dear Battlestar Galactica:
Yeah. Still watching but there're only 4 more episodes, so I might as well. But you continue to be mysterious and confusing and a whole lotta work for not much reward. Maybe we're just not right for each other...maybe I'm too old and unhip to understand your depths. Maybe some people like having to figure you out, but that's not me. I watch t.v. so I don't have to think.

Dear Stargate Atlantis:
Oh, I miss you. My Friday nights will never be the same. Yes, there are other things I can watch, but they're not like you. Those things will never replace you; they take too much work. You were easy to love, with your pretty and your splodey and your shiny stories that nobody ever needed to draw me any kind of chart to decipher.You will always have my heart.

You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster... Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

We found out yesterday that my brother's surgery is being postponed. The doctors have agreed they want to give the chemotherapy more time to work on the lung tumor, so instead of going ahead with the brain surgery, they are going to do at least one more round of the chemo instead. The next round is scheduled for the first week of March - they were originally scheduled to be every three weeks.

Steve is feeling much better physically and is in much better spirits with this news. I, of course, am having mixed feelings. On the one hand, I worry that we're not moving fast enough on the brain, or what exactly this means about the lung tumor. I have to keep reminding myself that they don't want to go in surgically to take care of the lung tumor because it can and usually will leave lots of bad cells roaming around in there. It's actually better and more effective to try and kill it all with the chemo instead.

But I'm also glad because putting off the surgery gives me some time to have this baby. Apart from hoping that Steve will not actually be in the hospital when I deliver, it's crossed both our minds that there's a possibility that he might not come out of the surgery okay or at all. He said to me last night that he's glad they're putting off the surgery so he'll have a chance to at least meet my baby. They've given us no reason right now to expect the worst, and it breaks my heart to even think about it, but I can't help it. I do worry about how much longer we'll have Steve with us. I want him to have as much time as possible with his nephew.

I'm doing my best not to stress and focus instead on Peanut. Of course, being 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, this is its own source of stress. I am so ready to have this baby and he seems to be perfectly content to keep percolating. I'm due in 3 days, but it's average for first-time moms to go over past their due date by 7-10 days. So even though Mr. Fantastic is convinced that I'm having the baby ON Sunday, I am not expecting that to happen.

I had my checkup with Dr. O on Tuesday and there was no change from last time. She asked if I wanted her to sweep my membranes, which I didn't want to do yet, and also about getting an induction scheduled for once I hit 41 weeks, which I REALLY don't want to do. So I told her I'd consider doing the sweep for next appointment and we could talk about the induction then too. I'm actually scheduled for two appointments next week - Monday for my usual checkup and then Friday they'll do an ultrasound, another NST and a biophysical profile. All this is just to make sure things are still going okay in there.

I don't want to be pressured into interventions that I don't want to do, such as an induction or the membrane sweep. I am willing to wait until 42 weeks before we start interfering, whereas the doctors don't like to wait past 41 weeks. But Dr. O just happens to be on vacation again next week, so I am seeing two of her colleagues on Mon and Fri, which I think will make it easier for me to put off scheduling the induction. I may agree to the sweep, though. It only works about half the time and carries a risk of breaking your water (something I want to avoid as long as possible), but Mr. F and I have discussed and he thinks I should consider it. I'm still thinking about it. I am anxious to get the ball rolling, and the sweep, if it works, could help avoid induction, so it's worth considering.

In the mean time, I am doing all the "natural" things I can to help get things started - eating pineapple, drinking red raspberry leaf tea and some other things. None of it may actually work, but if it does, yay! Of course, will keep everyone posted as things progress on both the baby and the brother fronts.

Oh, television.

Dear Heroes:

It was this close...we were SO over. I was totally breaking up with you tonight and then you went and gave me an awesome last two minutes and now I can't break up with you until I find out what happens with HRG next week. Consider your execution stayed. For now.

Dear Battlestar Galactica:

Look, I still love you. But I just don't understand you anymore. I feel like I know about a quarter of what's going on with you. Is there some sort guidebook or manual that would help me read between the lines better? I'm not going anywhere, I just wish I knew more about you. Why must you be so cryptic? Why won't you let me in?