Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas dinner
Christmas mas dinner w/ my family tonite, then laid in bed w/ hubby & son watching It's a Wonderful Life...and it truly is. ♥
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The Blue Bayou and Buckets
On our recent trip to Disneyland, we ate at the Blue Bayou restaurant, some place I have wanted to eat since I was a little girl. This restaurant really isn't that great - mostly just another overpriced, marginal food, theme park restaurant. But the thing about it is, it's located inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. I know! Coolest thing in the WHOLE WORLD to a little girl on her first trip to the Happiest Place on Earth.
When you get on the ride, before you get to the Pirate part, you first go through this sort of Louisiana swamp area at "night", and it's all dark and there's crickets chirping and fireflies and such. (This is because the ride is located in the New Orleans Square area of Disneyland. You know, Adventureland, Tomorrowland, Fantasyland...and New Orleans Square. Yeah, I don't get it either.)
So in this first part of the Pirates ride, you go through the swamp, and in the swamp, there's the restaurant. And you go by in your little boat and can see all the people on the "terrace" "outside" at their tables eating by lantern-light. And when I was a little girl, I wanted DESPERATELY to eat at that restaurant. A restaurant! Inside the ride! Clearly, you had to be somebody special in order to eat there. Of course, on that trip, we didn't eat at the Blue Bayou, probably because it was too expensive, but all I really remember is how much I wanted to go there and we didn't.
Since that first visit to Disneyland, I have been back several times. And each time, I still wanted to eat at the Blue Bayou and for whatever reasons, circumstances have always prevented it. So finally, this time, neither time nor money nor ANYTHING else was going to stop me. I told Mr. Fantastic that no matter what, we were eating there, come hell or high water, whether he wanted to or not. I called two weeks early to make a reservation.
Come the big day, it all went off without a hitch, and suddenly, there we were, sitting in the dark of a Louisiana swamp, listening to the frogs and crickets, watching the people go by in their little boats and eating our marginal food. And I could not have been happier. I sat there the whole time enjoying the heck out of myself, remembering how it felt to be the little girl in the boat going by, wanting so badly to be on that terrace eating my lunch. I was inordinately pleased - so happy I was almost in tears and could not wipe the giant grin off my face.
As our meal came to a close, I had a realization. I had just done something I had longed to do almost my entire life. I looked at my companions, Mr. Fantastic and Mummy Fantastic and little Fletcher, and I said with swelling heart, "I think I just crossed something off my bucket list."
And the thing is - I don't even have a bucket list. Or, I didn't. But I do now. The feeling of happiness and accomplishment over achieving something so trivial yet so important coupled with the recent loss of my brother made me remember that yes, life IS too short. Too short to put off doing the things you want to do and too short not to have a list of crazy things you've always wanted to try.
So, here it is, the start of my bucket list - most definitely a work in progress that I will be adding to as I think of things that time or money or distance or sheer seeming-impossibility have always kept me from doing.
1. Eat at the Blue Bayou in Disneyland
2. Go on a hot air balloon ride
3. Visit Australia
4. Visit Ireland
5. Ride/drive a Ferrari
6. Wear a sexy red dress someplace fancy
7. Partake of a croquembouche
8. …
When you get on the ride, before you get to the Pirate part, you first go through this sort of Louisiana swamp area at "night", and it's all dark and there's crickets chirping and fireflies and such. (This is because the ride is located in the New Orleans Square area of Disneyland. You know, Adventureland, Tomorrowland, Fantasyland...and New Orleans Square. Yeah, I don't get it either.)
So in this first part of the Pirates ride, you go through the swamp, and in the swamp, there's the restaurant. And you go by in your little boat and can see all the people on the "terrace" "outside" at their tables eating by lantern-light. And when I was a little girl, I wanted DESPERATELY to eat at that restaurant. A restaurant! Inside the ride! Clearly, you had to be somebody special in order to eat there. Of course, on that trip, we didn't eat at the Blue Bayou, probably because it was too expensive, but all I really remember is how much I wanted to go there and we didn't.
Since that first visit to Disneyland, I have been back several times. And each time, I still wanted to eat at the Blue Bayou and for whatever reasons, circumstances have always prevented it. So finally, this time, neither time nor money nor ANYTHING else was going to stop me. I told Mr. Fantastic that no matter what, we were eating there, come hell or high water, whether he wanted to or not. I called two weeks early to make a reservation.
Come the big day, it all went off without a hitch, and suddenly, there we were, sitting in the dark of a Louisiana swamp, listening to the frogs and crickets, watching the people go by in their little boats and eating our marginal food. And I could not have been happier. I sat there the whole time enjoying the heck out of myself, remembering how it felt to be the little girl in the boat going by, wanting so badly to be on that terrace eating my lunch. I was inordinately pleased - so happy I was almost in tears and could not wipe the giant grin off my face.
As our meal came to a close, I had a realization. I had just done something I had longed to do almost my entire life. I looked at my companions, Mr. Fantastic and Mummy Fantastic and little Fletcher, and I said with swelling heart, "I think I just crossed something off my bucket list."
And the thing is - I don't even have a bucket list. Or, I didn't. But I do now. The feeling of happiness and accomplishment over achieving something so trivial yet so important coupled with the recent loss of my brother made me remember that yes, life IS too short. Too short to put off doing the things you want to do and too short not to have a list of crazy things you've always wanted to try.
So, here it is, the start of my bucket list - most definitely a work in progress that I will be adding to as I think of things that time or money or distance or sheer seeming-impossibility have always kept me from doing.
2. Go on a hot air balloon ride
3. Visit Australia
4. Visit Ireland
5. Ride/drive a Ferrari
6. Wear a sexy red dress someplace fancy
7. Partake of a croquembouche
8. …
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thank you.
I know I still owe a lot of people thank yous for everything everyone did after Steve passed away. Writing the necessary thank you notes and emails has been incredibly difficult for me.
The physical acknowledgment of all the help and support we received makes it all the more real. Almost as if, if I keep putting it off then I can pretend a little bit like it didn't happen. I know it's not good for me to push it away like that and it's actually been weighing on me - I've lost sleep over these thank you notes even though I know nobody is checking their watch waiting for them.
Even so, I want everyone to know how much my family has appreciated everyone's support over these past few months. So many people have done so much - cards, emails, calls, flowers, visits, food and just providing general support and shoulders to cry on. I can't begin to tell you all how much it means to me.
Thank you all so very, very much for everything.
The physical acknowledgment of all the help and support we received makes it all the more real. Almost as if, if I keep putting it off then I can pretend a little bit like it didn't happen. I know it's not good for me to push it away like that and it's actually been weighing on me - I've lost sleep over these thank you notes even though I know nobody is checking their watch waiting for them.
Even so, I want everyone to know how much my family has appreciated everyone's support over these past few months. So many people have done so much - cards, emails, calls, flowers, visits, food and just providing general support and shoulders to cry on. I can't begin to tell you all how much it means to me.
Thank you all so very, very much for everything.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's getting harder
Things have been really hard lately. I am missing Steve more and more as it starts to sink in. Driving through his parking garage the other day, I just burst into tears out of nowhere. Just being there brought me back to that day in August when he called me for help when he suddenly couldn't use his arm or speak and then everything that came after.
I keep thinking about the unfairness of it. I had these same thoughts when my mom died 12 years ago. Why do we have to lose good people? Why do I have to lose the most important people in my life? After a long time, I was finally able to learn and grow from my mom's death. I have often said that losing her changed me in many ways, mostly for the better. Of course, I couldn't see it then, and as such, I have difficulty seeing it now. I can only hope that losing Steve too will make me a better person.
I am also feeling a lot of stress in dealing with the estate. I knew it would be difficult but there have been some things happening that I didn't expect that make it that much harder. I have had a couple of sleepless nights with everything going through my head.
As always, my son is my bright spot. He's recently learned to stand by pulling himself up. It's so amazing to see him growing and getting stronger and learning new things every day. He makes me so happy but I'm also so sad that his Uncle Steve isn't here to see it.
I keep thinking about the unfairness of it. I had these same thoughts when my mom died 12 years ago. Why do we have to lose good people? Why do I have to lose the most important people in my life? After a long time, I was finally able to learn and grow from my mom's death. I have often said that losing her changed me in many ways, mostly for the better. Of course, I couldn't see it then, and as such, I have difficulty seeing it now. I can only hope that losing Steve too will make me a better person.
I am also feeling a lot of stress in dealing with the estate. I knew it would be difficult but there have been some things happening that I didn't expect that make it that much harder. I have had a couple of sleepless nights with everything going through my head.
As always, my son is my bright spot. He's recently learned to stand by pulling himself up. It's so amazing to see him growing and getting stronger and learning new things every day. He makes me so happy but I'm also so sad that his Uncle Steve isn't here to see it.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
State of the union, plus Peanut - 7 & 8 months
It's been almost two months since Steve passed away. I guess it's about time to end radio silence.
Things are going okay. We all miss him every day in so many big and little ways. In many ways, I don't think I've even begun to really process it. I feel all the small things, every time I want to pick up the phone and call him or when I think of something that would have made him laugh or ask him a question about something as I so often did since he knew so much about everything.
But on the larger scale, the void where he was, just hasn't hit me. It's still too awful for me to really think about. I catch myself twenty times a day starting to think about it and pushing the thoughts away because it's still too much. I find it hard to watch football now because it was such a part of him. But how I do wish he was here to see the Broncos off to such a good start! Then we could debate whether last year was Cutler's fault, Shananan's or both.
In the mean time, we are doing the things that need to be done. Steve made me the executor of his estate, so it's been hard, but with Mr. Fantastic's help, I've been getting started on getting his affairs settled. It is so sad to wrap up what's left of a life. It's awful, to see all the things he left behind. It's awful to see things he started but will never finish. I picked up a book with a bookmark in it, realizing that he would never know the ending and it made me so sad. To look at his DVR and see all the things he'll never get to watch. To know he'll never find out who won the World Series of Poker this year - we were all so excited to know Phil Ivey made it to the final table, and now he'll never know how it goes. All these little things just break my heart.
I don't know when it will stop being the little things and start being the big things. Probably I'm shielding myself until I get the estate taken care of so I'll just be able to handle it. When it's all done, I imagine that's when it's all going to really sink in. One day at a time, right now.
In happier news, my little boy has helped to make this bearable. He is my absolute joy, my reason for getting up every day and going on and smiling and laughing. Peanut just turned eight months at the end of October and is flourishing. He's been threatening to crawl for a while now. Right now he's doing sort of an army-crawl type thing. I call it the "wounded soldier" because it's mostly using his arms and one leg while he drags the other behind him. But on occasion, he'll get up on all fours and take a "step" or two, then sort of flop over to his butt. Won't be long now until we won't be able to keep up with him.
I didn't know it was possible, but Peanut has become even more vocal than before. Lots of ba-ba-da-da-la-la stuff, plus some yowling and little noises that I call chirps. It is a delight to hear him babbling away to himself or to us. And he's still laughing all the time. However, he does get this charming little disgruntled look on his face when he's not laughing or squealing or chattering away. I can't wait to hear what his first word is. Knowing him, it won't be mama or dada, it will be yumyum.
Speaking of yumyums, he is still nursing but has finally decided that he likes people food. Hooray! He still hates formula and I don't know that we'll ever get him to take it, but I was despairing that he'd ever start eating food and using all those teeth of his. He's got seven teeth now! Four across the top, plus the bottom two in the middle and he just cut the next bottom one on the right side.
I gave up on trying to get him to eat baby food - I think he didn't like the puree texture. But he is happy to eat what we're eating. So far he basically seems to like any "grown up" food that we give him - mashed potatoes, chicken, sweet potatoes, whole grain pasta, grapes, pears, etc. Plus I've been mixing baby oatmeal into fruit puree and making it thick and lumpy and he loves that. As long as it's not the thin, runny consistency of baby food, he seems to be okay. We tried some pea puree the other day that he wasn't too sure about but otherwise, he's chomping at the spoon for whatever we give him. Also he does well picking up the bits and feeding himself. Since the puree thing was a no-go, we are generally practicing a sort ofbaby-led weaning, which basically means we let him do the eating himself, with the exception of the oatmeal/fruit stuff. But we also let him handle the spoon and stuff to help him get used to it, and we let him reach for it as opposed to just sticking it in his mouth indiscriminately. I put a variety of foods on his tray and he decides what he wants to eat and how much. I'm going to try him with yogurt this week and see how that goes.
Peanut finally had his very first diaper rash last week. Amazing that we made it eight months without one! Don't know if that's the breastmilk or just being fanatic about changing him all the time, but we're thankful he's had a healthy butt for the majority of the time.
Halloween was a success - at least, there was no crying, so I'll count that a win. Peanut had two costumes, a monkey and a pumpkin. Both were adorable. Check out the awesome pictures at the link below.
New pictures here, plus new videos here (and more to come!)
Things are going okay. We all miss him every day in so many big and little ways. In many ways, I don't think I've even begun to really process it. I feel all the small things, every time I want to pick up the phone and call him or when I think of something that would have made him laugh or ask him a question about something as I so often did since he knew so much about everything.
But on the larger scale, the void where he was, just hasn't hit me. It's still too awful for me to really think about. I catch myself twenty times a day starting to think about it and pushing the thoughts away because it's still too much. I find it hard to watch football now because it was such a part of him. But how I do wish he was here to see the Broncos off to such a good start! Then we could debate whether last year was Cutler's fault, Shananan's or both.
In the mean time, we are doing the things that need to be done. Steve made me the executor of his estate, so it's been hard, but with Mr. Fantastic's help, I've been getting started on getting his affairs settled. It is so sad to wrap up what's left of a life. It's awful, to see all the things he left behind. It's awful to see things he started but will never finish. I picked up a book with a bookmark in it, realizing that he would never know the ending and it made me so sad. To look at his DVR and see all the things he'll never get to watch. To know he'll never find out who won the World Series of Poker this year - we were all so excited to know Phil Ivey made it to the final table, and now he'll never know how it goes. All these little things just break my heart.
I don't know when it will stop being the little things and start being the big things. Probably I'm shielding myself until I get the estate taken care of so I'll just be able to handle it. When it's all done, I imagine that's when it's all going to really sink in. One day at a time, right now.
*~*
In happier news, my little boy has helped to make this bearable. He is my absolute joy, my reason for getting up every day and going on and smiling and laughing. Peanut just turned eight months at the end of October and is flourishing. He's been threatening to crawl for a while now. Right now he's doing sort of an army-crawl type thing. I call it the "wounded soldier" because it's mostly using his arms and one leg while he drags the other behind him. But on occasion, he'll get up on all fours and take a "step" or two, then sort of flop over to his butt. Won't be long now until we won't be able to keep up with him.
I didn't know it was possible, but Peanut has become even more vocal than before. Lots of ba-ba-da-da-la-la stuff, plus some yowling and little noises that I call chirps. It is a delight to hear him babbling away to himself or to us. And he's still laughing all the time. However, he does get this charming little disgruntled look on his face when he's not laughing or squealing or chattering away. I can't wait to hear what his first word is. Knowing him, it won't be mama or dada, it will be yumyum.
Speaking of yumyums, he is still nursing but has finally decided that he likes people food. Hooray! He still hates formula and I don't know that we'll ever get him to take it, but I was despairing that he'd ever start eating food and using all those teeth of his. He's got seven teeth now! Four across the top, plus the bottom two in the middle and he just cut the next bottom one on the right side.
I gave up on trying to get him to eat baby food - I think he didn't like the puree texture. But he is happy to eat what we're eating. So far he basically seems to like any "grown up" food that we give him - mashed potatoes, chicken, sweet potatoes, whole grain pasta, grapes, pears, etc. Plus I've been mixing baby oatmeal into fruit puree and making it thick and lumpy and he loves that. As long as it's not the thin, runny consistency of baby food, he seems to be okay. We tried some pea puree the other day that he wasn't too sure about but otherwise, he's chomping at the spoon for whatever we give him. Also he does well picking up the bits and feeding himself. Since the puree thing was a no-go, we are generally practicing a sort ofbaby-led weaning, which basically means we let him do the eating himself, with the exception of the oatmeal/fruit stuff. But we also let him handle the spoon and stuff to help him get used to it, and we let him reach for it as opposed to just sticking it in his mouth indiscriminately. I put a variety of foods on his tray and he decides what he wants to eat and how much. I'm going to try him with yogurt this week and see how that goes.
Peanut finally had his very first diaper rash last week. Amazing that we made it eight months without one! Don't know if that's the breastmilk or just being fanatic about changing him all the time, but we're thankful he's had a healthy butt for the majority of the time.
Halloween was a success - at least, there was no crying, so I'll count that a win. Peanut had two costumes, a monkey and a pumpkin. Both were adorable. Check out the awesome pictures at the link below.
New pictures here, plus new videos here (and more to come!)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
My ray of sunshine...
My reason for smiling every day. My happy little monkey. I could not be more thankful for him.
More videos here and new photos in the Peanut Gallery too.
More videos here and new photos in the Peanut Gallery too.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Final update on Steve
As many of you already know, Steve passed away Monday morning, September 21.
There are no words to express the magnitude of this loss. The world is lesser for having lost him; we are better for having known him.
I can't begin to thank all of you for all the support you've given me and my family for the last two years, and especially the last few weeks. You have our deepest gratitude.
I am putting together a memory book of Steve, so if you have any stories or favorite memories of Steve that you'd like to share, please send them to me to be included.
There are no words to express the magnitude of this loss. The world is lesser for having lost him; we are better for having known him.
I can't begin to thank all of you for all the support you've given me and my family for the last two years, and especially the last few weeks. You have our deepest gratitude.
I am putting together a memory book of Steve, so if you have any stories or favorite memories of Steve that you'd like to share, please send them to me to be included.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Steve status
Mr. F, Monkey, Grampa and I are watching the Bronco game with Steve. We had his hospital bed all set up in the living room right in front of the giant screen t.v. so he can keep up with all his football when he's not dozing. Mr. F is so sweet - he went and got Steve's Champ Bailey jersey and laid it over his chest since he can't put it on for the game.
Steve's had some ups and downs the last few days. Having some pain in his head, especially near the right temple where we know a tumor to be located. I can only presume that means it must be growing. In the last day or two, his breathing has gotten kind of rattly. That's probably partly due to missing half a lung and partly due to the way things progress. He didn't rest much the first few days but he slept a lot last night and some today. We are doing our best to keep him comfortable but it's hard to know just how he's doing when he can't tell us. Sometimes it seems like he's drifting away from us, and other times he's so alert and awake and aware of what's going on and the conversation around him.
It's been funny how expressive he can be without words! Especially how sarcastic and funny he can be without saying a thing. I love it when he makes a joke and I get it just from his body language. Everybody always said we had our own little language and I guess they're right. We still understand each other even without talking.
We've had a parade of people in to visit Steve since we brought him home. Work colleagues, college friends, high school buddies, family. All of them hold Steve in such high regard - everybody loves him. A trait he has in common with our mom. And it's been really great for me to see guys I've heard a million stories about but haven't seen since I was a little kid, and to put faces with the names of other people I know to be part of Steve's life. Steve's been thrilled to see so many dear friends and just lights up when I tell him who's coming to visit next. I know he sure wishes he could chat with them like he wants to.
Talking with everyone and especially receiving the all the emails from all over has been amazing. I always knew that Steve was a wonderful, generous, kind person, but I'm his sister - I'm prejudiced. Hearing the glowing way others speak of him and the great stories they tell has made me so proud to be his sister and so pleased to have him a part of my life. We gave our son Steven for a middle name and I can only hope my little Monkey grows up to be just like his Uncle Steve.
Steve's had some ups and downs the last few days. Having some pain in his head, especially near the right temple where we know a tumor to be located. I can only presume that means it must be growing. In the last day or two, his breathing has gotten kind of rattly. That's probably partly due to missing half a lung and partly due to the way things progress. He didn't rest much the first few days but he slept a lot last night and some today. We are doing our best to keep him comfortable but it's hard to know just how he's doing when he can't tell us. Sometimes it seems like he's drifting away from us, and other times he's so alert and awake and aware of what's going on and the conversation around him.
It's been funny how expressive he can be without words! Especially how sarcastic and funny he can be without saying a thing. I love it when he makes a joke and I get it just from his body language. Everybody always said we had our own little language and I guess they're right. We still understand each other even without talking.
We've had a parade of people in to visit Steve since we brought him home. Work colleagues, college friends, high school buddies, family. All of them hold Steve in such high regard - everybody loves him. A trait he has in common with our mom. And it's been really great for me to see guys I've heard a million stories about but haven't seen since I was a little kid, and to put faces with the names of other people I know to be part of Steve's life. Steve's been thrilled to see so many dear friends and just lights up when I tell him who's coming to visit next. I know he sure wishes he could chat with them like he wants to.
Talking with everyone and especially receiving the all the emails from all over has been amazing. I always knew that Steve was a wonderful, generous, kind person, but I'm his sister - I'm prejudiced. Hearing the glowing way others speak of him and the great stories they tell has made me so proud to be his sister and so pleased to have him a part of my life. We gave our son Steven for a middle name and I can only hope my little Monkey grows up to be just like his Uncle Steve.
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