No, not my brother Ned, my brother Steve. But NED is what they called him at our oncologist appointment on Tuesday. NED means No Evidence of Disease - and is as close as they'll come to saying he's cured of the cancer. So, yay! NED FTW. *\o/* He'll still have to have follow ups every three months for the next while to make sure nothing pops up, but this is excellent news.
Tuesday was a busy day. We also saw the infection guy and they took out the PICC line and declared him over the mysterious infection. And we saw the thorassic surgeon who said everything's healing fine and he hopes to never see us again. (That's apparently a surgeon joke.)
Still have a couple more doctor's appointments coming up, with the brain surgeon and the case manager, but in general, things are looking great. Things are really, really great.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
I'm back! And better than ever, baby!
Got back yesterday from a long weekend in Grand Lake. Went with my cousins (H1, H2, H3, T, Ginger and Susan) for our Try-to-Make-it-Annually girl's trip. It was a really great time and something I definitely needed.
The cabin in Grand Lake was beautiful, with a fabulous deck that looked out at the lake. We spent most of Saturday on the deck drinking mimosas and now I've got a wicked sunburn. T kept telling me to put on sunblock and I was like, "Bah! I don't care if I fry!" Hmph. Well, I care now. Too much champagne makes a girl irresponsible.
Anyway, my face is now a piece of beef jerky. My nose especially, and I'm all puffy. Ugh. It's not going to be pretty when it all peels off. Even so, it was a heck of a lot of fun, just hanging out with the girls, drinking and telling outrageous stories. I wish I got to spend more time with all of them.
What I love about my cousins is that they are each fantastic in their own way and I have a different relationship with each of them. H1, H2 and H3 are all sisters and for much of my life, they pretty much came as a single unit. But now that we're not kids anymore, I also really enjoy spending time with them each separately. I like the focused attention – we're a pretty loud bunch and when you get us all together, it's pretty crazy. Hella fun, but hard to have much of a conversation with anyone in particular.
So we did a lot of drinking and talking and either I'm getting sick or I talked too much because I've sort of lost my voice. And we were going to go in the hot tub but it turned out to be not all that hot so the rest of us skipped that after H2 bravely tested the waters for us. 87 degrees? That's not even a warm bath. Pfft.
H1 & T made an awesome dinner on Saturday – best mashed potatoes I've ever had. Must find out what was in those! (Or truthfully, I prolly really don't want to know and should just keep eating them when she makes them.)
And I'm a huge sappy dork, but I was away from Mr. Fantastic for three days and really, really missed him. A lot. I was so excited to see him when I got home. I think I actually made a little "eee" noise when I jumped out of the car to hug him.
What a great trip, and just what I needed right now. I didn't think about Dad or Steve or anything – just focused on the girls and having fun. I'd be totally relaxed right now if it didn't hurt when I moved my face. Anyone have any sunburn tips? I'm doing aloe, cool cloths and some kind of pain-relieving spray on thing.
The cabin in Grand Lake was beautiful, with a fabulous deck that looked out at the lake. We spent most of Saturday on the deck drinking mimosas and now I've got a wicked sunburn. T kept telling me to put on sunblock and I was like, "Bah! I don't care if I fry!" Hmph. Well, I care now. Too much champagne makes a girl irresponsible.
Anyway, my face is now a piece of beef jerky. My nose especially, and I'm all puffy. Ugh. It's not going to be pretty when it all peels off. Even so, it was a heck of a lot of fun, just hanging out with the girls, drinking and telling outrageous stories. I wish I got to spend more time with all of them.
What I love about my cousins is that they are each fantastic in their own way and I have a different relationship with each of them. H1, H2 and H3 are all sisters and for much of my life, they pretty much came as a single unit. But now that we're not kids anymore, I also really enjoy spending time with them each separately. I like the focused attention – we're a pretty loud bunch and when you get us all together, it's pretty crazy. Hella fun, but hard to have much of a conversation with anyone in particular.
So we did a lot of drinking and talking and either I'm getting sick or I talked too much because I've sort of lost my voice. And we were going to go in the hot tub but it turned out to be not all that hot so the rest of us skipped that after H2 bravely tested the waters for us. 87 degrees? That's not even a warm bath. Pfft.
H1 & T made an awesome dinner on Saturday – best mashed potatoes I've ever had. Must find out what was in those! (Or truthfully, I prolly really don't want to know and should just keep eating them when she makes them.)
And I'm a huge sappy dork, but I was away from Mr. Fantastic for three days and really, really missed him. A lot. I was so excited to see him when I got home. I think I actually made a little "eee" noise when I jumped out of the car to hug him.
What a great trip, and just what I needed right now. I didn't think about Dad or Steve or anything – just focused on the girls and having fun. I'd be totally relaxed right now if it didn't hurt when I moved my face. Anyone have any sunburn tips? I'm doing aloe, cool cloths and some kind of pain-relieving spray on thing.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
The Leopard Print Dress
Interesting thoughts about what we do and don't allow ourselves to wear, weight and body image. And a reminder that there's nothing sexier than confidence.
The Dress
The Dress
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Icing, meet cake.
Sigh. Siiiigh. Why is it that just when things are looking up, something else happens?
My brother is doing well, I have finally started to relax and feel good about his progress. So of course that means there's room on my plate for more crap to deal with. Such as my father getting another DUI. That makes 3 now. Not to mention the other couple times they've taken him to detox without actually charging him. *headdesk* It's sad, the number of phone calls I've received from my father to come pick him up from detox.
[WARNING: Self-indulgent whinging ahead]
Got a call about 9:30 on Thursday night. It was my dad calling from the detox place. He'd been picked up on his way home from the bar about 3 a.m. Wednesday. For those of you unfamiliar with the process (and jesus fuck, I wish I wasn't, gee, thanks, Dad.), they keep you in the drunk tank and won't even let you use the phone until you blow a zero on the breathalyzer. So that means it took him about 18 hours to sober up. 18 HOURS. Christ.
Anyway, the new and added fun factor to this time is that they wouldn't just let him out on his own recognizance. This time there was a $1,000 bond that had to be paid before they'd let him out. So Mr. Fantastic and I had to scrounge up a grand in cash and drive the half-hour out to BFE in Centennial to the "detention facility" to pay it. We got there about 11, forked over the money and then were told it would be another two to four hours for "processing" and that Dad would be able to call me again once he was ready to go. We went back home and went to bed. Dad finally called at 2:45 a.m., so I got up and drove back out to BFE to get him.
Of course he was shamefaced and apologized and thanked me for coming for him. I had been so angry earlier that I was shaking but I had calmed down a lot by then so I didn't yell at him. I just told him he was stupid and how disappointed I was that he has never learned anything from all of the times this has happened. (Hm. At some point, I seem to have turned into my mother.) Ever since last time, we've been telling him repeatedly that if he gets caught again, he'll go to jail, so just don't be stupid. Call a cab. We've all said we would give him money for taxis if he didn't think he could afford it. I don't know why he doesn't seem to be able to do that. I get that he's lonely - he spends so much time all by himself, rattling around that empty house - so I have no problem with him wanting to go out to places and socialize. But he doesn't have to be stupid about it.
I don't know what's going to happen to him. The first time he actually got charged with a DUI he got home detention with the ankle monitor and all. We had really thought last time (just shy of two years ago) there would be no way for him to avoid actual jail time but the cop who arrested him didn't show up for court and there were a bunch of administrative mistakes and the case eventually got thrown out. But in order to get his driver's license back he had to go to alcohol counseling and was still without his license for over a year. (Not that it mattered much, he still drove without it regardless.)
I've seen on several websites that in Colorado, the penalty for a DUI with a previous DUI in the last 5 years is a fine of $500-$1,500, 60-120 hours of community service and jail time of 90 days to a year, with a minimum 10 day mandatory. Plus, both previous times he had to go to the alcohol counseling (not that it helped) so I imagine they'll make him do that too.
Of course, my brother Steve will end up paying for a lawyer and court costs. And I'll have to drive Dad to court appearances and anything else he can't take the bus or light rail to. I was so angry before but I'm trying to be zen about it. It is what it is and I can't do anything about it, so no point in letting it eat me up. It's hard though, because it just reminds me that he's unreliable. I love him and I accept him for who he is, faults and all. But it still hurts that I don't have a parent who functions as a parent. I can't count on him for anything, not even emotional support. He's an alcoholic who only thinks of himself. It took a while, but I learned that it has nothing to do with me - it's not personal, not a reflection of his feelings for me, not something I did wrong - it's him and how his addiction works.
Whatever happens, I'll handle it. That's...just what I do. People always tell me how strong I am. When my mom died, when Steve got sick, when things happen - well, you can either break down or soldier on. But the world isn't slowing down no matter what you do, so I've always just pushed on through. I refuse to let anything beat me. I don't know any other way to be. But sometimes I wish I did.
Things like this remind me why I don't belive in god. Because if there was a god, then either he absolutely does not care about what happens to me or he does and is actively flinging shit at me. Either way, it's personaly insulting and not the kind of god I'd want if there was one. You know what I believe? Shit happens. Life happens. And it doesn't matter if I'm a good person or a bad person, shit's still gonna happen. I learned that when my mom died. One of the most amazing, honest, kind, caring, selfless people I have ever known and she still died no matter how good she was. That's life; that's how it works. You get a free ride just for showing up, but there's no guarantee how long the ride will be or how much fun you'll have.
So. I'm soldiering on and rolling my eyes a lot at the WTFness of it and maybe checking my karmic balance a little, because just in case, I don't want to come back as a bug or anything.
My brother is doing well, I have finally started to relax and feel good about his progress. So of course that means there's room on my plate for more crap to deal with. Such as my father getting another DUI. That makes 3 now. Not to mention the other couple times they've taken him to detox without actually charging him. *headdesk* It's sad, the number of phone calls I've received from my father to come pick him up from detox.
[WARNING: Self-indulgent whinging ahead]
Got a call about 9:30 on Thursday night. It was my dad calling from the detox place. He'd been picked up on his way home from the bar about 3 a.m. Wednesday. For those of you unfamiliar with the process (and jesus fuck, I wish I wasn't, gee, thanks, Dad.), they keep you in the drunk tank and won't even let you use the phone until you blow a zero on the breathalyzer. So that means it took him about 18 hours to sober up. 18 HOURS. Christ.
Anyway, the new and added fun factor to this time is that they wouldn't just let him out on his own recognizance. This time there was a $1,000 bond that had to be paid before they'd let him out. So Mr. Fantastic and I had to scrounge up a grand in cash and drive the half-hour out to BFE in Centennial to the "detention facility" to pay it. We got there about 11, forked over the money and then were told it would be another two to four hours for "processing" and that Dad would be able to call me again once he was ready to go. We went back home and went to bed. Dad finally called at 2:45 a.m., so I got up and drove back out to BFE to get him.
Of course he was shamefaced and apologized and thanked me for coming for him. I had been so angry earlier that I was shaking but I had calmed down a lot by then so I didn't yell at him. I just told him he was stupid and how disappointed I was that he has never learned anything from all of the times this has happened. (Hm. At some point, I seem to have turned into my mother.) Ever since last time, we've been telling him repeatedly that if he gets caught again, he'll go to jail, so just don't be stupid. Call a cab. We've all said we would give him money for taxis if he didn't think he could afford it. I don't know why he doesn't seem to be able to do that. I get that he's lonely - he spends so much time all by himself, rattling around that empty house - so I have no problem with him wanting to go out to places and socialize. But he doesn't have to be stupid about it.
I don't know what's going to happen to him. The first time he actually got charged with a DUI he got home detention with the ankle monitor and all. We had really thought last time (just shy of two years ago) there would be no way for him to avoid actual jail time but the cop who arrested him didn't show up for court and there were a bunch of administrative mistakes and the case eventually got thrown out. But in order to get his driver's license back he had to go to alcohol counseling and was still without his license for over a year. (Not that it mattered much, he still drove without it regardless.)
I've seen on several websites that in Colorado, the penalty for a DUI with a previous DUI in the last 5 years is a fine of $500-$1,500, 60-120 hours of community service and jail time of 90 days to a year, with a minimum 10 day mandatory. Plus, both previous times he had to go to the alcohol counseling (not that it helped) so I imagine they'll make him do that too.
Of course, my brother Steve will end up paying for a lawyer and court costs. And I'll have to drive Dad to court appearances and anything else he can't take the bus or light rail to. I was so angry before but I'm trying to be zen about it. It is what it is and I can't do anything about it, so no point in letting it eat me up. It's hard though, because it just reminds me that he's unreliable. I love him and I accept him for who he is, faults and all. But it still hurts that I don't have a parent who functions as a parent. I can't count on him for anything, not even emotional support. He's an alcoholic who only thinks of himself. It took a while, but I learned that it has nothing to do with me - it's not personal, not a reflection of his feelings for me, not something I did wrong - it's him and how his addiction works.
Whatever happens, I'll handle it. That's...just what I do. People always tell me how strong I am. When my mom died, when Steve got sick, when things happen - well, you can either break down or soldier on. But the world isn't slowing down no matter what you do, so I've always just pushed on through. I refuse to let anything beat me. I don't know any other way to be. But sometimes I wish I did.
Things like this remind me why I don't belive in god. Because if there was a god, then either he absolutely does not care about what happens to me or he does and is actively flinging shit at me. Either way, it's personaly insulting and not the kind of god I'd want if there was one. You know what I believe? Shit happens. Life happens. And it doesn't matter if I'm a good person or a bad person, shit's still gonna happen. I learned that when my mom died. One of the most amazing, honest, kind, caring, selfless people I have ever known and she still died no matter how good she was. That's life; that's how it works. You get a free ride just for showing up, but there's no guarantee how long the ride will be or how much fun you'll have.
So. I'm soldiering on and rolling my eyes a lot at the WTFness of it and maybe checking my karmic balance a little, because just in case, I don't want to come back as a bug or anything.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Good news!
Been a pretty slow week but we finally got some good news today. Steve gets to go home tomorrow! Hooray!
They did one last test today which came back negative. They've been able to determine that everything is fine with his brain, heart and lungs. Still don't know what happened on Monday, but everything looks good now.
The infection he's been fighting seems to be clearing up as well. The plan now is to keep him on the antibiotics at home for the next month to make sure they've completely gotten rid of it.
Steve is feeling great and in high spirits. If all goes well, we should be bringing him home sometime tomorrow and he's really looking forward to it. Thank you all for all your kind thoughts and prayers.
They did one last test today which came back negative. They've been able to determine that everything is fine with his brain, heart and lungs. Still don't know what happened on Monday, but everything looks good now.
The infection he's been fighting seems to be clearing up as well. The plan now is to keep him on the antibiotics at home for the next month to make sure they've completely gotten rid of it.
Steve is feeling great and in high spirits. If all goes well, we should be bringing him home sometime tomorrow and he's really looking forward to it. Thank you all for all your kind thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Health care
I just got the bill from the hospital for my little trip to the ER last month. People complain that health insurance is expensive. But health insurance is expensive because health care is really fucking expensive.
The bill for my visit to the ER and overnight stay came to $19,787. The good people at Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield are picking up the tab for most of that, leaving me to pay $462 (which still sucks but isn't breaking the bank).
Twenty G for an overnight. I can't even imagine what my brother's two-week-plus stay is going to cost. No wonder people without health insurance go bankrupt.
My bill includes $3175 for a CT abdomen w/ cont, $309 for Suture general, $3400 for OR level 5/minute, $113 for Dermabond, $2735 for a CT Pelvis w/ cont, and $103 for a Warm touch blanket, among other things.
Yes, that's right. They charged $103 for a heated hospital blanked that I didn't even get to keep.
The bill for my visit to the ER and overnight stay came to $19,787. The good people at Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield are picking up the tab for most of that, leaving me to pay $462 (which still sucks but isn't breaking the bank).
Twenty G for an overnight. I can't even imagine what my brother's two-week-plus stay is going to cost. No wonder people without health insurance go bankrupt.
My bill includes $3175 for a CT abdomen w/ cont, $309 for Suture general, $3400 for OR level 5/minute, $113 for Dermabond, $2735 for a CT Pelvis w/ cont, and $103 for a Warm touch blanket, among other things.
Yes, that's right. They charged $103 for a heated hospital blanked that I didn't even get to keep.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Update on my brother
News on Steve. As some of you know, he spent last night in the ICU. The good news is that he's just been moved back to a regular room. The bad news is that they don't know what the heck is wrong.
Basically, what happened yesterday - he’s got an unidentified blood infection that they’ve been treating with antibiotics. They had decided yesterday that they were going to put in a PICC line and send him home, and for the next couple weeks he’d use this PICC line (which I guess is basically a more substantial IV) to give himself the antibiotics every day at home. But while they were doing the procedure in the OR, he had what they’re calling “an episode” where he started feeling funny, his vision got cloudy, he got shaky and freezing cold and then passed out, couldn't breathe when he woke up. They rushed him to the ICU (which is when they called me) and got him stabilized and did a bunch of tests.
It was quite a scare yesterday, especially when I walked in and saw him. He looked so terrible - very, very tired, but mostly it was these dark circles around his eyes. It looked like he had two black eyes - reminded me of Uncle Fester. Those are looking better now but very disconcerting and I still don't know what that was. Also, when Dad and I were with Steve yesterday, he was twitching really badly and seeing things. At one point, he waved to somebody that wasn't there. He seemed like he was fine mentally, so maybe that was just a side effect of the pain meds he's still taking. Very scary. We told the nurse and they did a CT of his head at the same time as the did the one on his torso just to make sure everything was ok.
At this point, all the tests show that nothing is wrong and so they’re guessing maybe it was a reaction to one of the medications they used, which would not be unusual for him, given the skin reaction he had after surgery last summer and is having again this time. They’re going to keep a closer eye on him for a while, so who knows when they’ll send him home. It’s so frustrating not to have any answers at all, it just makes it all the more easy to worry about him.
He says he feels great right now – good enough to go home if they’d let him. But since the doctors still can’t figure out what happened yesterday, I don’t think he’ll be going home any time soon. He's been there two weeks now already and I know he must be going crazy. I wish there was something more I could do.
Basically, what happened yesterday - he’s got an unidentified blood infection that they’ve been treating with antibiotics. They had decided yesterday that they were going to put in a PICC line and send him home, and for the next couple weeks he’d use this PICC line (which I guess is basically a more substantial IV) to give himself the antibiotics every day at home. But while they were doing the procedure in the OR, he had what they’re calling “an episode” where he started feeling funny, his vision got cloudy, he got shaky and freezing cold and then passed out, couldn't breathe when he woke up. They rushed him to the ICU (which is when they called me) and got him stabilized and did a bunch of tests.
It was quite a scare yesterday, especially when I walked in and saw him. He looked so terrible - very, very tired, but mostly it was these dark circles around his eyes. It looked like he had two black eyes - reminded me of Uncle Fester. Those are looking better now but very disconcerting and I still don't know what that was. Also, when Dad and I were with Steve yesterday, he was twitching really badly and seeing things. At one point, he waved to somebody that wasn't there. He seemed like he was fine mentally, so maybe that was just a side effect of the pain meds he's still taking. Very scary. We told the nurse and they did a CT of his head at the same time as the did the one on his torso just to make sure everything was ok.
At this point, all the tests show that nothing is wrong and so they’re guessing maybe it was a reaction to one of the medications they used, which would not be unusual for him, given the skin reaction he had after surgery last summer and is having again this time. They’re going to keep a closer eye on him for a while, so who knows when they’ll send him home. It’s so frustrating not to have any answers at all, it just makes it all the more easy to worry about him.
He says he feels great right now – good enough to go home if they’d let him. But since the doctors still can’t figure out what happened yesterday, I don’t think he’ll be going home any time soon. He's been there two weeks now already and I know he must be going crazy. I wish there was something more I could do.
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