Monday, December 28, 2009

the Great Glass Elevator of Doom Incident of December 2006

On December 10, 2006, Mr. Fantastic and I had dinner at the Tabor Center. We finished and headed to the elevator to go down to the parking garage. They’re these cool glass elevators, in like an atrium sort of thing. And all four walls are glass so you can see not only into the atrium, but also to the street outside and everything. Mr. F presses the DOWN button.
Great Glass Elevator of Doom: *opens invitingly*
Me: *strolls innocently inside*
Mr. F: *starts to enter but is forced to stop when…*
GGEoD: *whooshes shut alarmingly, catching Mr. F's arm in the process*
Mr. F: D’oh! *hastily yoinks arm free*
GGEoD: *doors close with decisive clang*
Me: *turns around* What are you doing?
Mr. F: (shouting through the glass) THE DOOR SHUT ON ME! IT BARELY MISSED CLOSING ON YOU!
Me: *presses DOOR OPEN button* The button doesn’t work. *giggles*
Mr. F: TRY THE OTHER BUTTONS.
Me: You don’t have to shout. *presses all the buttons* None of the buttons work!
Mr. F: LET’S TRY TO PRY OPEN THE DOORS.
Mr. F and Me: *futilely struggle to pry open the doors*
Mr. F: *helpless shrug*
Me: *embarrassed giggle*
Mr. F and Me: *share look of ‘seriously, is this really happening?’*
Purple Sweater Lady: *presses DOWN button* What’s going on?
Mr. F: My wife is stuck in there!
PSL’s Teenage Daughter: Ohmigod!
PSL: Did she press the buttons? DID YOU PRESS THE BUTTONS?
Me: *presses all the buttons again* None of the buttons work! *laughs helplessly *
Mr. F: Try the CALL button.
PSL: TRY THE CALL BUTTON.
Me: *presses the CALL button again* It’s not working! *laughs helplessly some more*
GGEoD: *alarm bell rings*
Me: *looks hopeful*
Black Hat Guy: What’s going on?
Mr. F: My wife is stuck in there!
PSL: His wife is stuck in there!
BHG: *peers at me*
Me: *waves feebly*
BHG: Did she press the buttons? DID YOU PRESS THE BUTTONS?
BHG’s Girlfriend: Ohmigod!
PSL’s Teenage Daughter: I know!
Me: *facepalm*
BHG: (to Mr. F) Let’s see if we can pry the doors open. WE’RE GOING TO TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR.
Mr. F and BHG: *futilely struggle to pry open the doors*
GGEoD: *lurches unnervingly, lights flicker*
Family of Five: What’s going on?
Mr. F: My wife is stuck in there!
PSL: His wife is stuck in there!
BHG: His wife is stuck in there!
Me: *waves feebly*
FoF: *peers at me*
Me: *feels like zoo animal*
FoF Dad: Did she try the CALL button? DID YOU TRY THE CALL BUTTON?
Me: *facepalm* None of the buttons work! *laughs helplessly, demonstrates how pressing any of the buttons does nothing*
Family of Five: *takes escalator*
Mr. F: *calls my cell phone* I don’t know what to do! I’m calling 9-1-1.
Me: *laughs helplessly* I can’t believe this is happening.
~ Meanwhile, Mr. F calls 9-1-1. He gave me the recap on the way home.
911: What’s your emergency?
Mr. F: Er, I’m not really sure—my wife—we’re at the Tabor Center, and um, my wife is stuck in the elevator? And um…
911: At the Tabor Center? They’re already on their way. She’s in elevator 2, right?
Mr. F: Er…
911: We were alerted when the alarm bell went off.
Mr. F: Oh! Okay.
~ Back at the Great Glass Elevator of Doom…Mr. F has been forced to the back of the crowd of people while he was calling 9-1-1. They are all looking in at me and helpfully shouting suggestions.
A Small Crowd: *has gathered*
Me: *still feels like zoo animal*
PSL: DID YOU PRESS THE ALARM BUTTON?
Me: *presses the ALARM button*
GGEoD: *alarm bell rings, then shuts off*
Me: *facepalm*
Crowd Random #1: TRY PRESSING THE DOOR OPEN BUTTON.
Crowd Random #2: DID YOU TRY THE CALL BUTTON?
Crowd Random #3: TRY PRESSING THE 3 BUTTON.
Mr. F: *calls my cellphone* I called 9-1-1. They were already on the way.
Fire Truck Sirens: *wail in the distance*
Me: *facepalm* They’re sending a fire truck?! I cannot believe this is happening to me! *more helpless laughter*
Mr. F: *waves at me over the crowd* You okay in there?
Me: I’m fine. This is just…*laughs helplessly*
Fire Truck Sirens: *wail in proximity*
Mr. F: *laughing* Look! They’re here! *points behind me, outside*
Me: *looks outside* OH MY GOD.
~ There are TWO fire trucks plus that extra non-fire-truck vehicle, roaring down the street, sirens wailing, lights a-blazin’. I am mortified.
Me: They sent TWO fire trucks?
Mr. F: Well, you’re very important.
Twenty Firemen: *storm the atrium*
Me: *waves feebly*
Mr. F: I have to hang up now, they want to talk to me.
PSL’s Teenage Daughter: Ohmigod! This is SO embarrassing!
My Brain: No shit, Sherlock.
A Small Crowd: *disperses somewhat*
~ So the head fireman is very kindly and concerned about me, probably thinking that my continued helpless laughter is bordering on hysteria. He was really nice and kept talking to me through the glass, asking if I was okay and such.
Head Fireman: ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yes, I’m fine. *helpless laughter*
Head Fireman: WE HAVE TO TURN OFF THE POWER BEFORE WE CAN OPEN THE DOORS.
Me: Okay, no problem.
Head Fireman: *goes off to do fireman stuff*
Me: *twiddles thumbs*
Twenty Firemen: *do rescue-y things*
Fireman #2: WE HAVE TO TURN OFF THE POWER BEFORE WE CAN OPEN THE DOORS.
Me: I still have no problem with that.
Fireman #2: WE WANT TO MAKE SURE THE ELEVATOR DOESN’T FALL DOWN WHEN WE DO IT.
Me: Okay, no prob—Wait, what?
Fireman #2: WE DON’T WANT THE ELEVATOR TO CRASH.
Me: You think it might crash?!
Head Fireman: *glares at Fireman #2* IT’S NOT GOING TO CRASH. JUST SIT TIGHT.
~ So then I twiddled my thumbs some more, and took pictures of the firemen with my camera phone, and called several people, including my brother and a friend. It was very hot and boring inside the Great Glass Elevator of Doom, despite the fact that it lurched alarmingly a couple of times and there was still somewhat of a crowd milling about. Also, Mr. F entertained me by taking pictures of the firemen and me in the GGEoD and also making faces and flipping me off behind everyone’s back.
~ And then they got the first set of doors open.
A Dwindled Crowd: *claps*
Me: *thumbs up*
Head Fireman: THE INSIDE DOORS WILL NOT BE SO EASY.
GGEoD: *laughs evilly*
Me: *facepalm*
Fireman #2: GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!
~ And it took three of them and some sort of jaws-of-life-y tools to pop the gears and pry the doors and then they finally got them open enough for me to get out.
GGEoD: *doors open reluctantly*
Head Fireman: *gallantly hands me out of the GGEoD* EVERYTHING—er, everything all right, miss?
A Dwindled Crowd: *claps* HOORAY!
Me: *humbly* Yes, yes, I’m just fine. Thank you. Thank you so much. (loudly, to all the firemen) THANK YOU!
Twenty Firemen: *tip caps politely*
GGEoD: *shakes fist* Curses! Foiled again!
~ And then we went home and ate cheesecake and all was well.

2 comments:

shag-me-draco said...

found you through FB. and LMFAO that is a hilariously great story.

JFar said...

LOL! One I sort of fondly remember...